Afflictions (Part I)

This post is part one of a three part series. Please read the other two posts after reading this one. 

WARNING: This is a depressing post, a laundry list of my problems. I just want to pout and then I'll get over it. 

"Warning! Warning!"

I just want to share, throw my worries into the cyberspace wind. I just want someone to hear, "Hope you know, I'm having a hard time." I promise I have a positive way out of this. I don't want to hear (from my inner critic) about how others have tougher trials; this is MY turn to spew and to talk. I also don't want to hear the "most puts don't sink, most steak is tough, just enjoy the ride"  quote. I'm convinced life can be full of happiness (perhaps just joy and peace is all one can expect) and it doesn't have to be as dreary as that quote makes it sound. I feel like I shouldn't complain about my trials because I really have a great life. But I just want to put my struggles out there, to know one in particular.

I have depression. I've had it consistently from 2012, and off and on before that since 2006. I'm fighting it with such zeal, still believing the delusion that perhaps it is just a mental cold that I can take a "depression Nyquil" and it'll go away. I'm on my 10th (ish) combination of antidepressants to see if they work, and am enjoying group counseling, hoping to find a good individual counselor soon. Through all this, I'm realizing that it'll probably be something I just have to fight the rest of my life. What does that entail? It means constantly fighting negative thoughts and beliefs, managing stress, respecting my boundaries, and taking antidepressants all so I can have the motivation and power to do those things that I need to and want to do. This is hard! Some days I have just enough motivation to keep myself and my girls fed and watch TV all day.

Connected with that: I am TIRED! All the time. Like seriously. Tired enough I could sleep 12 hours if my circumstances let me. For example, I slept about 7 hours (not solid cuz my sleep is full of holes) and then took a 5 hour nap (again not solid) and I am still zapped at the end of the day. Too tired to do dishes, laundry, housecleaning. Too tired to really play with my little girls. I get worn out just going to the store. I don't sleep well enough. I wake up several times a night because my baby made a noise, I'm too hot and therefore sweaty, I'm too cold and need to wrestle more covers from Cool Apa, or I just wake up because I turned over. My doc has me on iron and vitamin D to boost their levels up to where they should be and see if I gain more energy. We're also testing my thyroid levels to see if that's wacked. I'm convinced this lack of energy isn't normal for a 26 year old and I so badly want it to be fixable and not be my fault. I seem to get way tired around my period too.
Is all this exhaustion hormonal? Situational? Psychological? I don't know!!! I just pray it's not normal.

My children, husband and I all sleep in the same room. My preschooler feels super insecure sleeping in her toddler bed probably because mom and dad are a whole story away. We're also not good at a consistent, healthy bed time.

Cool Apa doesn't come home until at least 7. We don't have dinner some nights until 9. I don't get to be alone with him hardly at all. (Please read between the lines on that one.) We aren't dating consistently. He's tired and stressed most of the time. I miss him. I know it's normal but it sucks and I really don't like it.

My Starlet is three and I'm embarrassed to say that she's not potty trained, still very attached to her binkie, and as previously mentioned, sleeps upstairs with mom and dad. I feel like a wimp, like I'm not willing to fight and push through the hard parts. But I'm so tired! Just so tired! I don't know if I have the energy and stamina and patience to have worse sleep to help her stay in bed or force her to learn how to use the potty! I started a weaning phase for the binkie, hurray, which is still going to take work. I feel like all I do all day is tell Starlet no and threaten time outs, which are of questionable effectiveness. I want to be such a better mom.

My house is a mess. The table has crusted food on it. The dishes in the sink are dirty and will probably stink soon. The pantry smells like poop because that's where we're keeping the trash; Grace gets into it. Every where I look there's a pile of junk or a dirty toilet or a unfinished project saying, "Clean me up, you slacker!"

I'm constipated. Always. (TMI, I know.)

I'm figuring out my boundaries. I'm angry at those who taught me incorrect boundaries.

I need to forgive a LOT of people.

I worry about getting along with my awesome in laws.

I have a sister who I am struggling to communicate with because of how she's wired.

I have a cousin who I'm still mad at because of their choices.

I long for a good girlfriend, but that takes time, I'm afraid, and I have trust issues.

I find myself not being completely honest in my conversations with others just so I can avoid conflict and save face. I don't like that.

I want to paint.

I don't have good kneeling prayers. I pray in my head which feels less effective.

I am not good at studying the scriptures. I want to feast not snack.

I think I need to be better at a ton of things like money management and communicating better with Cool Apa.

There is a long to do list that never gets done with things like 'go to the dentist, file those papers'  etc on it.

I have a difficult time calming my mind down enough to listen to the Holy Ghost.

I'm struggling with feeling God's true love for me and not getting caught up in the should's and expectations. I think I have to be perfect because I've done "it right :" I got married in the temple, I've stayed active in the church all my life, and I am raising two beautiful daughters in the gospel. Therefore, God holds me to a higher standard so I better not mess up. Jesus Christ doesn't have time for me, He's working on "worse sinners." "I know Cool Mamma is being good and is very capable so I'm going to go help this person." Lies, I know.

Sigghhhhhhhhh. Did I miss anything? Probably. One can always find something else wrong with the world. 

That's pretty depressing (ha, makes sense - first paragraph.) To be fair, I warned you.

Keep reading. It'll get better.