Change of Heart: Part I

Despite what I thought, it's only been two months since my last post. Hmmm. Nice.

As I was reading an article posted by my dear friend who adopted SEVEN children, I finally burst, in a good way. My tongue and spirit cannot be still any longer. I want to tell the world about the feelings in my heart!

"Ok, Cool Mamma. What are you talking about? *GASP* Did Cool Apa get a job?!" No, Cool Apa didn't get a job yet. There are 5 somewhere between the application and interview process, however. (Update, all 5 were a bust. Right now Cool Apa is the top candidate for a job!! Interviews done, now we wait.)

These past few months (almost a year) have been difficult, draining, and depressing. After getting the impression to go south only to have the experience increase my depression to crippling proportions (a slight exaggeration) was confusing. After recovering at my parents, the reality of our situation soaked into my soul and heavily weighed (still weighs) on me and Cool Apa. The roller coaster of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed to pieces, again, is ex-haus-ting. Several times Cool Apa had a hopeful prospect at a company which turned into a disappointing rejection; the day after almost each rejection, I nose-dived into a depressing day of dismal despair. Scooping up the pieces and assembling enough energy to hope again only to hit bottom and repeat the cycle is so draining; with each prospect you hope a little stronger but have a little less hope at the same time.

This process took a toll on my faith. This whole time without work has slowly eroded my faith. First, I exercised faith in the prompting to go to Arizona assuming that a job awaited us. After coming back to Idaho due to my depression, I was afraid of asking God if we needed to return to Arizona because I did not want the answer to be "yes." My prayers became increasingly superficial and I distanced myself from God. I desperately wanted to continue bathing in the healing comfort of home. After several disappointments in the job search and several months, my attitude was that of Sabrina in Sabrina the Teenage Witch "The Wild Wild Witch" as she faces her petulant self; Petulant Sabrina, about to shoot, asks for her final words who spouts off the lesson learned during this alternate reality spell. When Sabrina finishes, Petulant Sabrina irritably says, "Ya done?" to which Sabrina says,

I searched for the one act, one job, one person, one prayer that would end the "spell." I looked through every day with the attitude of, "Ok, what's the lesson here? If I learn it, we're done waiting and get a job!" Not the best attitude. More time past and I just felt mad. I felt angry at God, "We've been praying for a job for months! Where is it?! Why aren't You blessing us?!"  Finally, recently, I felt abandoned. Like Joseph Smith said,

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed,...Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer ..... before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.

It sounds ridiculous saying it out loud, but it is how I felt! God has always been in the details in my life. Even though I made the decisions, He guided me, through every huge (and some small) decision I made. I refuse to believe that because I'm now married and our life is now one Heavenly Father doesn't guide us. Yet, at this point, my heart cried out in despair, "Where are you?!? This is a righteous desire! Help us, please!!"

I finally got a message that I needed which has changed my heart.

-To Be Continued-

-Cool To