Conversion Story: EFY

This post was composed in June of 2017. 

This weekend was stake conference and we were very privileged to have Elder Clayton of the Seventy visit us! He is NEAT. And hilarious. I enjoyed his jokes and fun stories because he became a real mortal human being; sometimes we see the apostles and Prophet as superhumans or more-than-hunan, but it turns out that they are just mortal men who have insecurities, fears, and weaknesses. Yet they still are heroes because they have amazing testimonies, amazing callings, and get to go about the world as representatives of Jesus Christ. Wow!

During the Saturday night session of the conference, he invited several people up to the stand to share their testimony and/or conversion story. Every time that kind of thing happens, I just long to get called upon to share my thoughts and feelings about the gospel; I love bearing my testimony and teaching the gospel. (My DREAM is to speak to youth about the gospel like Al Fox Carroway, John Bytheway, or Mary Ellen Edmunds.) I love this gospel and love teaching.

During today's and yesterday meetings I asked myself, "What are the pieces of my testimony's foundation? What are MY conversion stories?" (I'm convinced that we don't just have one moment of conversion; not all of us are like Paul or Alma the younger.) I listed many moments in my notes and felt the spirit confirm the truth of those moments and my testimony felt stronger.

As we talked about sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ, my blog came to mind. I wish I had the opportunity to speak to loads of people, but that's not my calling right now. But I can write and I can share with my little social sphere my experiences, thoughts, and feelings. So I'm going to do just that!

EFY June 2005

After hearing my two good friends talk about how wonderful EFY was, the spiritual experiences, the bonding with the company, and (of course) the boys, I decided it was time I go. EFY, Especially For Youth, a church program where kids go off to a spiritually enriched week camp, learn about the gospel, make friends, and come home full of light.My mother says it's the closest thing to buying a testimony for your children.

(To learn more see https://ce.byu.edu/catalog/program/10127179 )

Sadly I wasn't in the same group as my two friends as we planned. I was on my own! But I knew I'd see them during classes and meals, so it'd be ok. I met my roommates one by one who seemed to connect better with each other than I connected with them. It poked at my insecurities, but I thought I'd be ok. The next morning proved otherwise.

Every girl woke up early in order to do their hair and make up and dress up super cute while I was enjoying some precious time in my bed. As I heard them primping and polishing, the insecurities really set in. See, at 16 years old I kept make-up as faraway as possible from my person. I also didn't spend more time on my hair than it took to comb or brush it. I never dressed in the latest fashions because

a) they were too popular for my innate desire to be unique, 

b) were often not super modest without alteration, and 

c) they usually sat just out of my comfort zone (ie too tight, sleeves to short, etc.) 

That morning, I dressed in my t shirt and khakis and brushed my hair. I felt very out of place.

THEN we did a modesty check. (Modesty is huge at EFY). Now, modesty has always been easy for me; I just like my body covered, always have. When I went to EFY the modesty check was doing the actions to "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes;" if any skin showed somewhere where it wasn't supposed to, or something was too revealing in some way, our camp counselor suggested changes, big or small. Seeing all the girls in our company (not just my roommates) in their cute outfits made me feel worse. I hoped at least I would get praised for my obvious modesty. My turn came up, I passed with flying colors, but nothing was said.

I don't remember what happened at breakfast, I'm guessing something to do with the cute or popular boys in our company and how I thought they paid more attention to the other girls. By scripture study I was edge of tears and just wanted to go home. I felt so, not cute. I don't remember feeling "ugly," but I wouldn't rule it out. I hid in my scriptures and began reading.

As I read in the Doctrine and Covenants, about the three witnesses of the Book of Mormon, I had the most incredible feeling pour into my heart as a thought, as if spoken, came into my mind,

"Cool Mamma, I love you, as you are, your khaki-t-shirt-tennis shoe - wearing self because 

you are my daughter." 

It was so powerful, warm, and sweet. The Holy Ghost brought the message to my heart that God loved me, my Heavenly Father loved me, just the way I was! Heavenly Father didn't care about how I looked He just LOVED me.

I found this message so unexpected because I was reading about something completely different than my divine nature. But since I was studying the scriptures, the Spirit came and gave me revelation that I needed that day. I needed to feel of worth inside because what I saw on the outside didn't seem like anything special. The thoughts and feelings in my heart were so powerful that I finished the rest of the week with confidence. I didn't care how I looked or how I dressed compared to other people. I just enjoyed myself!

I know Heavenly Father lives and that He is my father. I forget it, but I know He loves me, because I've felt it many times. I know the Holy Ghost speaks to me and gives me knowledge and feelings that I need. I'm not perfect in these things, I completely ignore that God loves me, but I know He told me He loves me.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is so much a vital, core piece of my being. In the name of Jesus Christ, KNOW God lives. I KNOW He does.

Well, one long conversion story done. If you felt something, I hope you do something with that feeling. If you like what you read, feel free to share.

-Cool Mamma

Xerox Christmas Letter 2021

 Hello, family and friends!

Apparently I, Cool Mamma, get around to Xerox Christmas cards every two years HA! [The 2019 one was not posted on this blog]. I would like to be more consistent, but you know, #life. We hope everyone survived 2020 and had a good 2021.

2021 was quite the adventure for Team Vaterlaus. On Hannah’s 6th birthday, I received a concussion! After a quick hospital stay, I started my long TBI recovery. My TBI has helped teach me to slow down, communicate needs, and prioritize; it also opened my eyes and heart to the invisible injuries many of us suffer and deal with every day.  I'm doing much better with fewer limitations and am grateful for the progress I am continually making. 

Starlet finished a mask-wearing second grade like a champ and is now in the “big kid” hall as a third-grader. She has discovered a love of reading and devours books. Starlet loves to play and text with her best friend, run, and write/draw stories in her journal. This October, she enjoyed a very over-due birthday party for her ninth birthday with friends. She helps Mom by playing with her sisters, occasionally browning beef in the Instant Pot for supper, and picking up the house. Her growing sense of humor and wittiness are a joy around the house. 

Grace finished kindergarten and loves a face shield-free first grade. She misses her kindergarten teacher and classmates (most are in the other firsts grade class), but loves her first-grade teacher and is excited about learning to read. Her phonetic awareness is accelerating and she surprises me everyday by reading random words around the house or out and about. Grace is beloved by her classmates and freely shares her sweet love for God’s children. She loves playing with her best friend, Starlet’s best friend’s little sister, playing with Starlet, and playing video games with Mom. She lost her first two teeth this year! Grace shows her love for her family every day with great big hugs. 

Princess is our blonde firecracker in constant motion who keeps her parents on their toes; her adventures include murals on herself and the walls, overflowing the kitchen sink when “helping” with dishes, dumping any full container, and climbing any and all surfaces. She loves her sisters -adores Starlet and loves to tease Grace - and squeals their names when they arrive home from school. She loves Snoopy, her duckie blankie, playdough, and video calling Grandma on Mom’s phone. Princess loves an audience and charms everyone with her toothy, underbite, double dimples smile. She is a crazy girl who slows down just enough to randomly tell Mom “Love you” and give kisses. 

Cool Apa works very hard at ON, now onsemi (on-“semee”), but didn’t travel this year thanks to the pandemic. A great deal of oversea meetings took place in the evening at home, and he conducted several virtual audits. He enjoys woodworking and continually works on home/yard improvements; Cool Apa is very pleased with the healthy grass he grew in the dirt corner of our backyard! 

I want to bear my testimony of our loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. This year has been very humbling and brought me to desperately ask God frustrated questions. He and His Son have walked beside me while I try my best to raise my babies with love while healing from a brain injury. God instructs how to slow down; His Holy Spirit brings peace to my heart and bolsters my faith; Jesus Christ knows exactly how I physically feel, completely understands all the pain and frustration I experience, which provides solace. 

“May God be with you, this day, and always.” We wish you all a happy 2022! 

Team Vaterlaus

Why I Stay

Hello, interwebs! It's been a very long time. 

A week ago, I stumbled upon a neat podcast, by Lynzi Clyde, called, "Why I Stay." I listened to an old FHE brother's interview and another, and just about burst wanting to tell the world why I stay in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For many months, I've felt as if I might pop if I keep my testimony, thoughts, and feelings about the gospel of Jesus Christ to myself. I've chewed on the idea of "just" Facebook posts or starting yet another blog (I believe I've only had three in my life...but it still feels like a lot), but then I thought, "I already have a corner of cyberspace to use, I should just go there." So here I am! Almost FOUR years later, dusting off my old blog, to share. 

via GIPHY

As I'm sure most know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In the recent year, year and a half, I've watched a handful of friends and family leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My heart aches and I've pondered a great deal about this, which is why I nearly burst with my answers Lyndzi's questions. 

"Why I Stay" podcast Self Interview:

First Lyndzi asks her guests some rapid-fire get-to-know-you questions. I love answering get-to-know-you questions, but don't want distract from my point; I'll do a warp-speed summary of my answers:

I'm a burger-loving, 32 years old mom of three who's been happily married for ten years. My absolute favorite hobby is oil painting which I regrettably don't do enough, and I do not think any of the post 2009 Star Trek productions are truly "Trek" and have lost Gene Roddenberry's vision. My biggest dream boils down to: influence people, especially youth, for good. I still have awesome hair like I did in high school, even though it's darkened and become speckled with white/gray. My favorite calling in the church is hands-down, no contest Primary music chorister. 

OK! To the meat: 

What is your most embarrassing moment from your church experience?

During my junior or senior year of high school, my leaders encouraged me to reach out and encourage a couple inactive young women to come to church and activities. I did this the best I knew how; I consistently told them about activities and let them know we missed them at church. I felt like they didn't want to hear what I had to say, but I persevered, doing what my leaders wanted, and what I thought was a good thing to do. Well, after months of this, one of the young women came to an activity! I was thrilled! However, before I could excitedly greet her as my enthusiastic self, one of my leaders intercepted me. After a couple more interceptions, I got the message: don't bug her, don't freak out, just leave her alone. I was embarrassed, hurt, and confused: Why did my leaders ask me to fellowship this young lady then tell me to leave her alone when she came? Turns out leader became privy to their frustration at my fellowshipping attempts and tried to protect them from me. The whole sticky situation was explained to me, but after understanding what happened, I resolved to not bother any inactive members again; I felt it wasn't worth the discomfort and potential trouble so I just let them be.

When has there been a time you have had to exercise courage in your discipleship?

I've had a handful of experiences while serving in the church when I've been hurt by other people;  personalities clash; exclusion; micromanagement; difference of opinions on procedure execution; mockery for keeping standards differently; frustrated expectations; pressure to perform. There have been several times in my adult life where I did not want to go to church because of others, but I knew that's where Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ wanted me to be. It has taken courage on several occasions to just go and/or serve in the face of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

What is one experience that has increased your maturity in the gospel?

(I like that the experience that came to my mind ties so well with the previous questions.)

Towards the start of my sophomore year of college I met, really liked, became very invested in a possible relationship with, went out on two dates with, and was suddenly and (what I thought) irrationally dumped by a fellow classmate. I couldn't believe what happened and was hurt by his rejection! I think I channeled my hurt into angry humor: for the next few months, he became the butt of every joke I could sneak him into. I made fun of him at every opportunity. I was so angry at him, I felt justified in my anger, and I think I actually liked being angry. 

During Christmas break, one of my favorite people gave a Relief Society lesson on how we all have "monkeys" on our backs such as bad habits, grudges, etc. and how some are pet sins. She even wore several stuffed monkeys on her sweater during the lesson! The Holy Ghost poked the truth of her words through my heart, and I turned to my mother, "I have a big monkey on my back named [that gentleman], don't I?" "Yup." Grumble.

I went back to school with the inkling that someday I should forgive this boy, but wasn't in any hurry to do so. In my mind, he was still a dingbat that did the dumbest thing ever. He was in one of my classes the next semester and I just seethed with resentment every time I saw him. 

Early into the semester, Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave a powerful devotional address about Lot's wife, about moving forward and not longing to be in the past, a place we cannot go, and forgiving others. He delivered powerful, gut wrenching words about forgiveness, as only Elder Holland can. Here are some of his poignant words from his speech, emphasis added:   

"There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life—either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes—our own or other people’s—is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist." 

 

OUCH. Those words agitated my guilty conscience and cut deeply in my heart. I felt like Elder Holland prepared that talk for me, calling me to repentance.  He continued:

"...When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!"

I heard in my heart, that not forgiving someone for something they've done is like denying that they have access to the cleansing power of Jesus Christ. I walked away with a huge pit in my stomach, the pit of Godly sorrow pressing me to repent. I knew it was time, but felt stuck; I didn't even want to forgive that guy! I remembered the words in Alma about how you just need a desire to believe for a seed a faith to be planted in your hearts, and thought, "I don't even have a desire to forgive!! How?!" I first had to pray to Heavenly Father for a desire to forgive him! HA!

Months later, after much prayer, soul searching, and habit changing, I sat in my usual spot in the campus testing center to take a midterm. A while after I started my test, I noticed this classmate sit a few seats away from me. I thought, "Oh, huh, it's so-and-so to take the same test," and went back to work. Seconds later it hit me: there he was, the object of my hurt, anger, and resentment, and I felt nothing; my blood didn't boil, my heart didn't race, I didn't review the details of his "heinous crime", nothing. I wept where I sat realizing that Jesus Christ took the "sword from my hand" (Ben Hur 1959),  and left forgiveness. I'd forgiven this boy!  After gaining composure and finishing my test, I ran home to tell my roommates, "Jesus Christ lives! The Gospel is true! The power of Jesus Christ and His Atonement are REAL!" I felt my heart burst with the song of redeeming love and I just HAD to sing! The experience actually prompted my most serious consideration about serving a mission I'd ever done. 

I think this experience increased my maturity in the Gospel because the Atonement of Jesus Christ suddenly became real. It kind of sounds ridiculous but,  I know God lives and Jesus Christ's atoning power is real because God and His son helped me forgive a stupid boy. But it wasn't just that I was able to forgive him so completely and honesty. It is what Jesus Christ did for me, what He did to my heart. Saying that it's healed and now there is a scar in there isn't accurate. My heart changed. Jesus didn't just stitch up my wound, He took out the bruised anger,  He cleaned the wound, He helped it heal, and He made it better than it was before. 

I want to make a note that most of the hurt that comes from others stem from struggles, weaknesses, insecurities, and fears that they struggle with. Almost as sure as the sun shines, people will hurt people; I have hurt, have been hurt, will be hurt, and will hurt others. Forgiveness can and will come when we turn to God and Jesus Christ. Has my journey to forgive others been so instant and complete since then? No. I understand that forgiveness can take time and has to continue to happen as we grow, progress, work through trauma and pain, and overcome our weaknesses. But I know that Jesus Christ is always there; He can and will take away our hurt and help us forgive. All will be made right, maybe not in this mortal life, but I know someday, all will be made right. 

Why do you stay in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?

I'm surprised at the direction this post took because my answer is different than I originally planned. Upon hearing this question, my immediate answer was, "My covenants." My covenants have been such an anchor to me in the past few years. Some temptations of this world look like they could provide some fun, relief, or escape from life's difficulties, and I think, "What could the harm be in trying/doing/partaking of xyz?" However, I have made covenants to God in front of God, angels, and witnesses to obey, and not only would I be dishonest by turning against those covenants, I would have to answer to God for doing so. My covenants keep me in line.

But my answer to "why I stay" is deeper than that; I stay in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is my anchor. I know He is real. I cannot deny His healing, enabling, comforting, loving power I feel in my life. I cannot deny the fire of faith that I have in His resurrection and promise that I will be resurrected too someday. I cannot deny the strong love for and absolute faith in Jesus Christ that shines in my children's eyes. Denying these things would make me a liar, something I cannot bear to be.

I know He lives. Like 2+2=4 I know.

And that's why I stay. 

Images from: 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Media library

photosforclass.com

Conference Reminder

Again I have felt an urge to write from listening to the Lord's servants in General Conference. The Spirit and I have talked about how-

1. my posts don't have to be long or fancy
2. I can be brave and share my testimony and knowledge, honestly and openly.

I know that Jesus Christ loves lives and that He is the son of God. I know that God lives because I feel His presence when I pray, when I notice the sweet things around me, when I read His words in the scriptures, and when I hear hymns and other worship music praising His name. The big picture is that we are sons and daughters of God who want to go back to Him. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ.

Motherhood Moments

After cleaning half of our new apartment, enjoying Dollar Store treats (on the newly vacuumed floor - sorry, Zanner!) and meeting new neighbors, I headed home, well my parents' home, with the girls. We drove with the windows down at the conclusion of a beautiful summer sunset. As I thought upon our future for the next year, I listened to my girls: Starlet was singing a running song about her recently acquired Dollar Store Barbie and made up words, and Grace just babbled, somewhat sing-songy. I just smiled and sighed contently. 

I love my girls, love my babies. I'm convinced the joy of motherhood is in the moments. I have a moment everyday where my heart swells so big with love that it almost bursts! Those moments carry me through hard parts of motherhood. Mmm! 

Love my babies! 

- Cool Mamma 

Starlet, Michelle - Starlet's barbie, me, and Grace.
Hehehehe! 

Next Step:Check

As typed the title, "step by step" came to my mind and then I got "Step by Step" by The Crests stuck in my head. Push play on the video so it can get stuck in your head too! X-D


song reminds me of "One Foot in Front of the Other" from Santa Clause is Coming to Town. I LOVE that song!

Both of these songs help me remember that the journey of life and everything in it happens one step at a time. I'm not a patient person. I often know where I want to be and want to there NOW. For instance, I desperately wanted to be married so I dated a ton. When I met Cool Apa I felt such an instant connection with him, wanted to date him, and knew he wanted to date me to that I thought about twenty steps ahead. "Step By Step" helped me remember to take it one day at a time.

These songs make good theme songs for the past few weeks to a month. Several weeks ago, Cool Apa and I counseled with my parents and I cried because I realized how stuck I was. I knew that a great deal of it was my fault and felt ashamed and embarrassed. Somewhere in list making of things I needed to accomplish to get life moving again I remembered, most likely thanks to Divine help, to take things one step at a time. Just getting moving helped my mood improve. Cool Apa moved with more momentum too and got a job! (I am so relieved.) Securing the job is only the beginning, I quickly discovered. To get our lives together and rolling entails a great deal.

First step, get a job. Check. The second step, find a place to live. (We're still working on that one.) The next step? Go get all our stuff out of Grandpa Gnarly's storage in Arizona. Yup. Back to the state of the beginning of our adventure.

Well, cross that off the list. We did it. A lightning fast trip (drive to Phoenix in 14 hours on Thursday, drive back to Idaho with the moving truck in 16 hours Monday)  but we did it. And you know what? I enjoyed this step! We had an enjoyable time. For once in a very long time I enjoyed the piece of the journey. Our visit was fast and furious, but enjoyable for all, I think.

Cool Apa discovered Grace's car seat was damaged and demanded we get a new one
for his baby. We had to get matchies with her sister (and we liked the model)
and I voted pink. 

Our entertainment system. We had to replace the power cord however:
no movies on a 12-hour trip?! NO WAY. 

McDonald's bathroom in Boulder.
We won an Xbox One from this McDonald's in 2013.

Coming up on the Hoover Dam and the Arizona border;
when we cross the border I have to hear this song.

Starlet enjoying the last leg into Phoenix.

Grandpa Gnarly showed Grace a rainstick he bought for his wife
over 20 years ago, because she missed the Utah rain.
Grace thought this was the coolest thing.

Grandma Gracious's mother is living with them and sadly suffering from dementia.
(Being 90 years old will do that to you.) I explained to Starlet that Great Grandma probably
won't remember her, but we just need to love her. Starlet replied, "I will make a necklace for her!" after
which she immediately packed her beads. Starlet made all the girls a necklace AND a bracelet with her beads.
When she gave Great Grandma the bracelet she said,
"I made this for you because I love you in my heart."
Warm fuzzies!! 

We colored pictures for Uncle Lima on his mission. 500 points if you know who these two are!

Starlet enjoyed our small Gatorades which she sucked on hard enough to bruise her little lip!
(Basically a lip hickie. HA!)

Grandma Gracious gave Grace a CUTE pony tail! She showed it off to everyone.

Grace was a NATURAL! Holy buckets she took to the water so well.
By the end of swimming, she would get mad if Cool Apa or I touched her or her.

You can tell who steals the show!

Watering Grandpa and Grandma's plants with squirters! 

d

Starlet requested a picture of her princess heart on her head. X-D

Uncle Grits popped popcorn for the girls and Grace thought it was awesome!

Starlet and Grace in "jail." They each took turns getting in the jail, yelling "help! help!",
and waiting for the other one to come give them money so they could get out.
No I didn't teach them about bail - this was ALL them! 

And right now, I feel content to be in the next step: find a place of our own (and maybe start sorting through stuff). What a great blessing! That is a blessing from above, truly. Probably a gift or fruit of the Spirit of God.

It's going to take a LOT of putting my foot in front of the other to get settled into a new place, a new routine, a new ward, and a new chapter in our lives; getting there has a zillion little steps. Yet, at least for today, I'm ok with that. I'm ok with this step we're taking right now. Sometime in the future I will most likely be impatiently saying, "Oh my gosh this is taking forever!! I just want us to be settled in a little home that I can start making nice and developing a good cleaning routine and stick to a fun, enriching routine with my children and not have a storage unit anymore!! I just want it to be Christmas where we are settled in our little home and used to the job.," or something along those lines. But I must keep in mind to walk step by step, one foot in front of the other.

-Cool Mamma Vaterlaus

Houston, We Have Landed!

It's about time I share our good news. I've been leery of sharing with the world wide web because sharing it will curse it. However, it is now OFFICIAL! The paper trail of offer and acceptance exists! Plus, so many people that  have prayed for us and showered us with love deserve to know:

Cool Apa got a job. 

Yes. You read that correctly. Cool Apa got a job. 

I still can't believe it! He's been unemployed for nearly a year. It's amazing how your reality, no matter how short, can seem to be your permanent reality. I know it's only been ten months, but after a few months it felt like it was going to be forever.

My heart is so humbled by this answer to our prayers. Heavenly Father gave me everything I wanted: job close to my family, job Cool Apa would like, and enough money to meet our needs and bless others. Check, check, check. Wow. It is difficult to find the words that describe my humility and gratitude upon receiving this job.

Hurray! Whew! I'm glad this adventure is over, onto the next one!

What's next? We went to Arizona to get our stuff. Cool Apa starts work on June 12th. We need to search for an apartment and move out of my parent's basement ASAP! I personally need to get back into the rhythm and responsibility of saving and spending money. Oiy!

Thank you for all your prayers! And for your love! Keep the prayers coming for Cool Apa as he begins his job!

-Cool Mamma

Change of Heart: Part I

Despite what I thought, it's only been two months since my last post. Hmmm. Nice.

As I was reading an article posted by my dear friend who adopted SEVEN children, I finally burst, in a good way. My tongue and spirit cannot be still any longer. I want to tell the world about the feelings in my heart!

"Ok, Cool Mamma. What are you talking about? *GASP* Did Cool Apa get a job?!" No, Cool Apa didn't get a job yet. There are 5 somewhere between the application and interview process, however. (Update, all 5 were a bust. Right now Cool Apa is the top candidate for a job!! Interviews done, now we wait.)

These past few months (almost a year) have been difficult, draining, and depressing. After getting the impression to go south only to have the experience increase my depression to crippling proportions (a slight exaggeration) was confusing. After recovering at my parents, the reality of our situation soaked into my soul and heavily weighed (still weighs) on me and Cool Apa. The roller coaster of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed to pieces, again, is ex-haus-ting. Several times Cool Apa had a hopeful prospect at a company which turned into a disappointing rejection; the day after almost each rejection, I nose-dived into a depressing day of dismal despair. Scooping up the pieces and assembling enough energy to hope again only to hit bottom and repeat the cycle is so draining; with each prospect you hope a little stronger but have a little less hope at the same time.

This process took a toll on my faith. This whole time without work has slowly eroded my faith. First, I exercised faith in the prompting to go to Arizona assuming that a job awaited us. After coming back to Idaho due to my depression, I was afraid of asking God if we needed to return to Arizona because I did not want the answer to be "yes." My prayers became increasingly superficial and I distanced myself from God. I desperately wanted to continue bathing in the healing comfort of home. After several disappointments in the job search and several months, my attitude was that of Sabrina in Sabrina the Teenage Witch "The Wild Wild Witch" as she faces her petulant self; Petulant Sabrina, about to shoot, asks for her final words who spouts off the lesson learned during this alternate reality spell. When Sabrina finishes, Petulant Sabrina irritably says, "Ya done?" to which Sabrina says,

I searched for the one act, one job, one person, one prayer that would end the "spell." I looked through every day with the attitude of, "Ok, what's the lesson here? If I learn it, we're done waiting and get a job!" Not the best attitude. More time past and I just felt mad. I felt angry at God, "We've been praying for a job for months! Where is it?! Why aren't You blessing us?!"  Finally, recently, I felt abandoned. Like Joseph Smith said,

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed,...Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer ..... before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.

It sounds ridiculous saying it out loud, but it is how I felt! God has always been in the details in my life. Even though I made the decisions, He guided me, through every huge (and some small) decision I made. I refuse to believe that because I'm now married and our life is now one Heavenly Father doesn't guide us. Yet, at this point, my heart cried out in despair, "Where are you?!? This is a righteous desire! Help us, please!!"

I finally got a message that I needed which has changed my heart.

-To Be Continued-

-Cool To

Not in Arizona Anymore

Over the past three months I've had to explain something that I'm FINALLY going to explain to the world, well, the bits of the world my social media touches:

We're not in Arizona anymore, Toto.
We're back in Idaho.

"Idaho?!"

Yes. Idaho.  Let me answer all your questions I can think up and then I shall explain.

Yes, we were in Boise and Cool Apa lost his job.
Yes, we went to Arizona. We felt very strongly prompted to go so we did.
Not only did we go to Arizona, we MOVED to Arizona. No, we did not go down for a job. We just went down because we felt like that was where we needed to be.
No, Cool Apa didn't get a job while down there.
No, Cool Apa didn't get a job in Idaho .
Yes, most of our stuff is still in Arizona.
Yes, I know we picked a record setting winter to be up north.

"So if a job didn't bring you up here, what did? If you felt like Arizona was the promised land why are you up north? "

Me. Cool Mamma.

As I mentioned in our xerox post, within a week of our Arizona arrival, my stress level sky rocketed and my depression nose dived;  after all, we'd just undergone a huge life change and I was FAR away from home. Every one was wonderful and offered hands of friendship and loved us. I just needed to come home.

So my wonderful Knight in shining armor brought me home.  My passionate desire and huge efforts NOT to be the typical wife who needs to be near her mother have been greatly disappointed, especially in times of great emotional and life altering upheaval.
(I spent 25% of Starlet's first year of life in Idaho with my parents so I didn't have to adjust to motherhood and starring down the barrel of my depression alone.*) So we are home, at my home. I'm so very grateful to be home.

I deeply miss having a home of my own. I can't even explain how badly I want our own place and Cool Apa to have a job. Trials teach us valuable lessons and one lesson I've learned: always be thankful for the home that you have stewardship over and take care of and take care of it well. Be proud in your role as homemaker.

Another lesson from this trial, I will finally, freely admit out loud  that I want to live near my family, like within a three hours' drive or closer to my family. I really want to live in Idaho, so badly! And I'll admit it! Finally.

I don't know when this will end. I don't know what else I/we need to/will learn. I am clinging onto faith, hope, and even just a desire to believe that God has a plan and will bless us perfectly. I cling to faith even when it's so hard on the days I don't feel the burn of hope in my heart. It'll  come. It just HAS to!

Oiy. Heavy post, but there you have it, Toto. We're not in Arizona anymore.

-Cool Mamma



*Yes I had Cool Apa but he was a student swimming in homework and a job to support his new little family.

Christmas

Isn't Christmas just the best? I LOVE Christmas. My Christmas mood was a little deflated, hopefully due to the current circumstances and not other reasons, but I enjoyed Christmas day nonetheless.

I had to change my Facebook picture to a lama
because I lost a silly challenge. I drew this on my phone!

Christmas is so much more enjoyable with children! I'm sure like most families, we spent too much on Christmas this year. While making my Christmas list I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel trying to figure out what *I* wanted; I've officially grown up and just love making Christmas happy for others. It's a delight spoiling the girls with toys they'll love and such a thrill to try and find or make a cheap, yet meaningful present.

Christmas Eve we had my family's traditional Christmas dinner: clam chowder (best out there, pretty sure.) Clam chowder has never been my favorite due to the little, chewy erasers they claim are clams so instead, in our Vatervaar, Team Vaterlaus family we have a different soup (depends on the year) with bread bowls. This tradition came to pass on our honeymoon, actually. Cool Apa and I enjoyed a DELICIOUS bread bowl at Boudin Sourdough factory on the pier in San Francisco. Mmmmm! So delicious. This year, however, was just classic Larsen clam chowder.

Another Larsen family tradition is acting out the Nativity, the Christmas story from the bible, which we decided to do for the first time in our marriage! Starlet was our casting director and Grace our producer in charge of time frame, meaning, because of her we needed to keep it to about five minutes max! A first for our family and for Cool Apa which was delightful! I've wondered if that would be a tradition we carried on into our family; we have yet to see if it sticks. I've loved doing it because I feel the Spirit so strongly testifying of Jesus Christ. Hearing President Eyring sweetly reminisce about when he and his family had their own Christmas Eve pageant makes me want to make similar memories with my children and help them feel the Spirit as well.

Gpa Guru as narrator

Cool Apa as Joseph

My mother, the angel, telling the Mickey-Mouse clad shepherds about Jesus.

Aunt Awesome, the wise "man" riding her elephant into Bethlehem.

In a few years, the days of 6 AM Christmas mornings may come again, but not this year!! Oh what a delightful morning! And as Larsen tradition we opened stockings, ate breakfast (fun cereals, a Team Vaterlaus tradition), got dressed/showered except for the girls,

Posing for camera with cheek full of candy.

Tiaras were a big hit.

Cereal before presents....

Watching Aunt Awesome open her stocking.
Please note they are both on their toes!

My stocking present, me avoiding a double chin.

and then finally, FINALLY, after waiting for Grandpa to finish snowblowing ALL the snow  (which caused church to be canceled), we got to open presents

Evening, obviously, but lots of snow.

Notice our neighbor's driveway across the street.

Between us and both grandmas we accidentally coordinated to make a princess theme! Tiaras in the stockings, castle tent, dress up dresses, and stick horses! Ha! The girls also got some individual, non princess toys and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas,  and were of course super spoiled.

Car mat (I still need to finish) from Aunt Awesome. It was a hit.

Cool Apa setting up the princess tent.

Princesses :)

That pose!! I'm sad the picture is blurry.

Two princesses. Love my girls!

Cool Apa enjoyed his pro starter yo-yo, which he ordered and I wrapped, lame I know, and had three yoyo tricks down by the end of the day. I did manage to surprise him by getting him a new Pebble watch!! (Thank you for helping me, CCG.)

Look at that smile.

Figuring out what it is...

"What!? No way!"

Cool Apa proved yet again how supportive and kind husband he is and gave me this AWESOME French Lanier on site easel; it starts as an awkward suitcase and turns into an easel with a drawer, pallette, and adjustable easel! Cool Apa has always supported my art which is so cool. I need to thank him by using it! (Time and space, mostly space, hinder me.)

We finished off the day by Skyping our Arizona grandparents and showing off presents and yoyo tricks. They told us about Skyping Uncle Lima on his mission and showed off their presents. The whole day tired-out Starlet and Grace. I'd say successful Christmas!

Nap time with new Barney.

Starlet konked-out while watching a movie. 

Snoooooze 

I know Jesus Christ lives. The whole world takes a break from being mean in December because they can feel the Spirit of Christ. He will help me, help us, have faith and get through our trials.

Happy Holidays!

-Cool Mamma