Conference Reminder

Again I have felt an urge to write from listening to the Lord's servants in General Conference. The Spirit and I have talked about how-

1. my posts don't have to be long or fancy
2. I can be brave and share my testimony and knowledge, honestly and openly.

I know that Jesus Christ loves lives and that He is the son of God. I know that God lives because I feel His presence when I pray, when I notice the sweet things around me, when I read His words in the scriptures, and when I hear hymns and other worship music praising His name. The big picture is that we are sons and daughters of God who want to go back to Him. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ.

Motherhood Moments

After cleaning half of our new apartment, enjoying Dollar Store treats (on the newly vacuumed floor - sorry, Zanner!) and meeting new neighbors, I headed home, well my parents' home, with the girls. We drove with the windows down at the conclusion of a beautiful summer sunset. As I thought upon our future for the next year, I listened to my girls: Starlet was singing a running song about her recently acquired Dollar Store Barbie and made up words, and Grace just babbled, somewhat sing-songy. I just smiled and sighed contently. 

I love my girls, love my babies. I'm convinced the joy of motherhood is in the moments. I have a moment everyday where my heart swells so big with love that it almost bursts! Those moments carry me through hard parts of motherhood. Mmm! 

Love my babies! 

- Cool Mamma 

Starlet, Michelle - Starlet's barbie, me, and Grace.
Hehehehe! 

Next Step:Check

As typed the title, "step by step" came to my mind and then I got "Step by Step" by The Crests stuck in my head. Push play on the video so it can get stuck in your head too! X-D


song reminds me of "One Foot in Front of the Other" from Santa Clause is Coming to Town. I LOVE that song!

Both of these songs help me remember that the journey of life and everything in it happens one step at a time. I'm not a patient person. I often know where I want to be and want to there NOW. For instance, I desperately wanted to be married so I dated a ton. When I met Cool Apa I felt such an instant connection with him, wanted to date him, and knew he wanted to date me to that I thought about twenty steps ahead. "Step By Step" helped me remember to take it one day at a time.

These songs make good theme songs for the past few weeks to a month. Several weeks ago, Cool Apa and I counseled with my parents and I cried because I realized how stuck I was. I knew that a great deal of it was my fault and felt ashamed and embarrassed. Somewhere in list making of things I needed to accomplish to get life moving again I remembered, most likely thanks to Divine help, to take things one step at a time. Just getting moving helped my mood improve. Cool Apa moved with more momentum too and got a job! (I am so relieved.) Securing the job is only the beginning, I quickly discovered. To get our lives together and rolling entails a great deal.

First step, get a job. Check. The second step, find a place to live. (We're still working on that one.) The next step? Go get all our stuff out of Grandpa Gnarly's storage in Arizona. Yup. Back to the state of the beginning of our adventure.

Well, cross that off the list. We did it. A lightning fast trip (drive to Phoenix in 14 hours on Thursday, drive back to Idaho with the moving truck in 16 hours Monday)  but we did it. And you know what? I enjoyed this step! We had an enjoyable time. For once in a very long time I enjoyed the piece of the journey. Our visit was fast and furious, but enjoyable for all, I think.

Cool Apa discovered Grace's car seat was damaged and demanded we get a new one
for his baby. We had to get matchies with her sister (and we liked the model)
and I voted pink. 

Our entertainment system. We had to replace the power cord however:
no movies on a 12-hour trip?! NO WAY. 

McDonald's bathroom in Boulder.
We won an Xbox One from this McDonald's in 2013.

Coming up on the Hoover Dam and the Arizona border;
when we cross the border I have to hear this song.

Starlet enjoying the last leg into Phoenix.

Grandpa Gnarly showed Grace a rainstick he bought for his wife
over 20 years ago, because she missed the Utah rain.
Grace thought this was the coolest thing.

Grandma Gracious's mother is living with them and sadly suffering from dementia.
(Being 90 years old will do that to you.) I explained to Starlet that Great Grandma probably
won't remember her, but we just need to love her. Starlet replied, "I will make a necklace for her!" after
which she immediately packed her beads. Starlet made all the girls a necklace AND a bracelet with her beads.
When she gave Great Grandma the bracelet she said,
"I made this for you because I love you in my heart."
Warm fuzzies!! 

We colored pictures for Uncle Lima on his mission. 500 points if you know who these two are!

Starlet enjoyed our small Gatorades which she sucked on hard enough to bruise her little lip!
(Basically a lip hickie. HA!)

Grandma Gracious gave Grace a CUTE pony tail! She showed it off to everyone.

Grace was a NATURAL! Holy buckets she took to the water so well.
By the end of swimming, she would get mad if Cool Apa or I touched her or her.

You can tell who steals the show!

Watering Grandpa and Grandma's plants with squirters! 

d

Starlet requested a picture of her princess heart on her head. X-D

Uncle Grits popped popcorn for the girls and Grace thought it was awesome!

Starlet and Grace in "jail." They each took turns getting in the jail, yelling "help! help!",
and waiting for the other one to come give them money so they could get out.
No I didn't teach them about bail - this was ALL them! 

And right now, I feel content to be in the next step: find a place of our own (and maybe start sorting through stuff). What a great blessing! That is a blessing from above, truly. Probably a gift or fruit of the Spirit of God.

It's going to take a LOT of putting my foot in front of the other to get settled into a new place, a new routine, a new ward, and a new chapter in our lives; getting there has a zillion little steps. Yet, at least for today, I'm ok with that. I'm ok with this step we're taking right now. Sometime in the future I will most likely be impatiently saying, "Oh my gosh this is taking forever!! I just want us to be settled in a little home that I can start making nice and developing a good cleaning routine and stick to a fun, enriching routine with my children and not have a storage unit anymore!! I just want it to be Christmas where we are settled in our little home and used to the job.," or something along those lines. But I must keep in mind to walk step by step, one foot in front of the other.

-Cool Mamma Vaterlaus

Houston, We Have Landed!

It's about time I share our good news. I've been leery of sharing with the world wide web because sharing it will curse it. However, it is now OFFICIAL! The paper trail of offer and acceptance exists! Plus, so many people that  have prayed for us and showered us with love deserve to know:

Cool Apa got a job. 

Yes. You read that correctly. Cool Apa got a job. 

I still can't believe it! He's been unemployed for nearly a year. It's amazing how your reality, no matter how short, can seem to be your permanent reality. I know it's only been ten months, but after a few months it felt like it was going to be forever.

My heart is so humbled by this answer to our prayers. Heavenly Father gave me everything I wanted: job close to my family, job Cool Apa would like, and enough money to meet our needs and bless others. Check, check, check. Wow. It is difficult to find the words that describe my humility and gratitude upon receiving this job.

Hurray! Whew! I'm glad this adventure is over, onto the next one!

What's next? We went to Arizona to get our stuff. Cool Apa starts work on June 12th. We need to search for an apartment and move out of my parent's basement ASAP! I personally need to get back into the rhythm and responsibility of saving and spending money. Oiy!

Thank you for all your prayers! And for your love! Keep the prayers coming for Cool Apa as he begins his job!

-Cool Mamma

Change of Heart: Part I

Despite what I thought, it's only been two months since my last post. Hmmm. Nice.

As I was reading an article posted by my dear friend who adopted SEVEN children, I finally burst, in a good way. My tongue and spirit cannot be still any longer. I want to tell the world about the feelings in my heart!

"Ok, Cool Mamma. What are you talking about? *GASP* Did Cool Apa get a job?!" No, Cool Apa didn't get a job yet. There are 5 somewhere between the application and interview process, however. (Update, all 5 were a bust. Right now Cool Apa is the top candidate for a job!! Interviews done, now we wait.)

These past few months (almost a year) have been difficult, draining, and depressing. After getting the impression to go south only to have the experience increase my depression to crippling proportions (a slight exaggeration) was confusing. After recovering at my parents, the reality of our situation soaked into my soul and heavily weighed (still weighs) on me and Cool Apa. The roller coaster of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed to pieces, again, is ex-haus-ting. Several times Cool Apa had a hopeful prospect at a company which turned into a disappointing rejection; the day after almost each rejection, I nose-dived into a depressing day of dismal despair. Scooping up the pieces and assembling enough energy to hope again only to hit bottom and repeat the cycle is so draining; with each prospect you hope a little stronger but have a little less hope at the same time.

This process took a toll on my faith. This whole time without work has slowly eroded my faith. First, I exercised faith in the prompting to go to Arizona assuming that a job awaited us. After coming back to Idaho due to my depression, I was afraid of asking God if we needed to return to Arizona because I did not want the answer to be "yes." My prayers became increasingly superficial and I distanced myself from God. I desperately wanted to continue bathing in the healing comfort of home. After several disappointments in the job search and several months, my attitude was that of Sabrina in Sabrina the Teenage Witch "The Wild Wild Witch" as she faces her petulant self; Petulant Sabrina, about to shoot, asks for her final words who spouts off the lesson learned during this alternate reality spell. When Sabrina finishes, Petulant Sabrina irritably says, "Ya done?" to which Sabrina says,

I searched for the one act, one job, one person, one prayer that would end the "spell." I looked through every day with the attitude of, "Ok, what's the lesson here? If I learn it, we're done waiting and get a job!" Not the best attitude. More time past and I just felt mad. I felt angry at God, "We've been praying for a job for months! Where is it?! Why aren't You blessing us?!"  Finally, recently, I felt abandoned. Like Joseph Smith said,

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed,...Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer ..... before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.

It sounds ridiculous saying it out loud, but it is how I felt! God has always been in the details in my life. Even though I made the decisions, He guided me, through every huge (and some small) decision I made. I refuse to believe that because I'm now married and our life is now one Heavenly Father doesn't guide us. Yet, at this point, my heart cried out in despair, "Where are you?!? This is a righteous desire! Help us, please!!"

I finally got a message that I needed which has changed my heart.

-To Be Continued-

-Cool To

Not in Arizona Anymore

Over the past three months I've had to explain something that I'm FINALLY going to explain to the world, well, the bits of the world my social media touches:

We're not in Arizona anymore, Toto.
We're back in Idaho.

"Idaho?!"

Yes. Idaho.  Let me answer all your questions I can think up and then I shall explain.

Yes, we were in Boise and Cool Apa lost his job.
Yes, we went to Arizona. We felt very strongly prompted to go so we did.
Not only did we go to Arizona, we MOVED to Arizona. No, we did not go down for a job. We just went down because we felt like that was where we needed to be.
No, Cool Apa didn't get a job while down there.
No, Cool Apa didn't get a job in Idaho .
Yes, most of our stuff is still in Arizona.
Yes, I know we picked a record setting winter to be up north.

"So if a job didn't bring you up here, what did? If you felt like Arizona was the promised land why are you up north? "

Me. Cool Mamma.

As I mentioned in our xerox post, within a week of our Arizona arrival, my stress level sky rocketed and my depression nose dived;  after all, we'd just undergone a huge life change and I was FAR away from home. Every one was wonderful and offered hands of friendship and loved us. I just needed to come home.

So my wonderful Knight in shining armor brought me home.  My passionate desire and huge efforts NOT to be the typical wife who needs to be near her mother have been greatly disappointed, especially in times of great emotional and life altering upheaval.
(I spent 25% of Starlet's first year of life in Idaho with my parents so I didn't have to adjust to motherhood and starring down the barrel of my depression alone.*) So we are home, at my home. I'm so very grateful to be home.

I deeply miss having a home of my own. I can't even explain how badly I want our own place and Cool Apa to have a job. Trials teach us valuable lessons and one lesson I've learned: always be thankful for the home that you have stewardship over and take care of and take care of it well. Be proud in your role as homemaker.

Another lesson from this trial, I will finally, freely admit out loud  that I want to live near my family, like within a three hours' drive or closer to my family. I really want to live in Idaho, so badly! And I'll admit it! Finally.

I don't know when this will end. I don't know what else I/we need to/will learn. I am clinging onto faith, hope, and even just a desire to believe that God has a plan and will bless us perfectly. I cling to faith even when it's so hard on the days I don't feel the burn of hope in my heart. It'll  come. It just HAS to!

Oiy. Heavy post, but there you have it, Toto. We're not in Arizona anymore.

-Cool Mamma



*Yes I had Cool Apa but he was a student swimming in homework and a job to support his new little family.

Christmas

Isn't Christmas just the best? I LOVE Christmas. My Christmas mood was a little deflated, hopefully due to the current circumstances and not other reasons, but I enjoyed Christmas day nonetheless.

I had to change my Facebook picture to a lama
because I lost a silly challenge. I drew this on my phone!

Christmas is so much more enjoyable with children! I'm sure like most families, we spent too much on Christmas this year. While making my Christmas list I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel trying to figure out what *I* wanted; I've officially grown up and just love making Christmas happy for others. It's a delight spoiling the girls with toys they'll love and such a thrill to try and find or make a cheap, yet meaningful present.

Christmas Eve we had my family's traditional Christmas dinner: clam chowder (best out there, pretty sure.) Clam chowder has never been my favorite due to the little, chewy erasers they claim are clams so instead, in our Vatervaar, Team Vaterlaus family we have a different soup (depends on the year) with bread bowls. This tradition came to pass on our honeymoon, actually. Cool Apa and I enjoyed a DELICIOUS bread bowl at Boudin Sourdough factory on the pier in San Francisco. Mmmmm! So delicious. This year, however, was just classic Larsen clam chowder.

Another Larsen family tradition is acting out the Nativity, the Christmas story from the bible, which we decided to do for the first time in our marriage! Starlet was our casting director and Grace our producer in charge of time frame, meaning, because of her we needed to keep it to about five minutes max! A first for our family and for Cool Apa which was delightful! I've wondered if that would be a tradition we carried on into our family; we have yet to see if it sticks. I've loved doing it because I feel the Spirit so strongly testifying of Jesus Christ. Hearing President Eyring sweetly reminisce about when he and his family had their own Christmas Eve pageant makes me want to make similar memories with my children and help them feel the Spirit as well.

Gpa Guru as narrator

Cool Apa as Joseph

My mother, the angel, telling the Mickey-Mouse clad shepherds about Jesus.

Aunt Awesome, the wise "man" riding her elephant into Bethlehem.

In a few years, the days of 6 AM Christmas mornings may come again, but not this year!! Oh what a delightful morning! And as Larsen tradition we opened stockings, ate breakfast (fun cereals, a Team Vaterlaus tradition), got dressed/showered except for the girls,

Posing for camera with cheek full of candy.

Tiaras were a big hit.

Cereal before presents....

Watching Aunt Awesome open her stocking.
Please note they are both on their toes!

My stocking present, me avoiding a double chin.

and then finally, FINALLY, after waiting for Grandpa to finish snowblowing ALL the snow  (which caused church to be canceled), we got to open presents

Evening, obviously, but lots of snow.

Notice our neighbor's driveway across the street.

Between us and both grandmas we accidentally coordinated to make a princess theme! Tiaras in the stockings, castle tent, dress up dresses, and stick horses! Ha! The girls also got some individual, non princess toys and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas,  and were of course super spoiled.

Car mat (I still need to finish) from Aunt Awesome. It was a hit.

Cool Apa setting up the princess tent.

Princesses :)

That pose!! I'm sad the picture is blurry.

Two princesses. Love my girls!

Cool Apa enjoyed his pro starter yo-yo, which he ordered and I wrapped, lame I know, and had three yoyo tricks down by the end of the day. I did manage to surprise him by getting him a new Pebble watch!! (Thank you for helping me, CCG.)

Look at that smile.

Figuring out what it is...

"What!? No way!"

Cool Apa proved yet again how supportive and kind husband he is and gave me this AWESOME French Lanier on site easel; it starts as an awkward suitcase and turns into an easel with a drawer, pallette, and adjustable easel! Cool Apa has always supported my art which is so cool. I need to thank him by using it! (Time and space, mostly space, hinder me.)

We finished off the day by Skyping our Arizona grandparents and showing off presents and yoyo tricks. They told us about Skyping Uncle Lima on his mission and showed off their presents. The whole day tired-out Starlet and Grace. I'd say successful Christmas!

Nap time with new Barney.

Starlet konked-out while watching a movie. 

Snoooooze 

I know Jesus Christ lives. The whole world takes a break from being mean in December because they can feel the Spirit of Christ. He will help me, help us, have faith and get through our trials.

Happy Holidays!

-Cool Mamma