Book Review: More Than The tattooed Mormon by Al Carraway

This post is my review, which in my understanding, is usually small. Please don't take that as a reflection of Al's work; after reading her book, I have too many thoughts and feelings to share in a book review. Please stay tuned for my reactions to her book. 

Wow where to begin. In a word, Al's book is sincere. Honest. Raw. She doesn't hide her true feelings which makes it that much more powerful. I was surprised to find that the book feels like a conversation, not as 'scholarly' as I expected which makes it very approachable and personal. Even though it is small, it is a gold mine densely packed with words of wisdom, hope, optimism, light, encouragement, and love. The first part of the book tells Al's awesome conversion story and the second encourages the reader to really make the most of their relationship with God and their life. Her love for the gospel and for Jesus Christ is infectious. Her light shines through the words into your heart. This book is a now a must in my depression survival kit. This is a 'must read' for everyone. Buy a hard copy, mark it up, but most importantly, feel the love God has for you through her voice and love. 

Read it. Just do it. It will bless your life. It has mine.

-Cool Mamma

Late Halloween Post

Before Thanksgiving comes, I want to share our Halloween fun!

My parents aren't big Halloween fans so I grew up thinking Halloween was dumb. It wasn't until I went to college and got to experience how FUN Halloween is that I began to like the holiday and even get excited for it. The funny thing is, usually I get all my celebration out of my system before Halloween, usually by going to parties and what not, and this year was no exception.

My mom came up for a week and I thought our ward Halloween party was the Wednesday during her stay. I made sure to tell her so she could participate and prepare if she wanted. Starlet wanted to be a cowboy - my mom's bread and butter. Mom was a rodeo queen and did anything horse related all her life, so she packed her old cowboy things. Sadly, it turned out that the party was the Saturday before her stay: I misread the updated information regarding the time. I was so disappointed! I had been looking forward to it ALL YEAR! I even bought costumes for it on the day it was happening! Oh! I was so sad! When I broke the news to my mother she said, "Oh we should just have our own party."

And we did!

We were planning on dressing up, but Cool Apa came home really late that night, so it was just fun Halloween food. I shouldn't say "just" because it lessens the food (a principle I learned from Finding Neverland a really delightful movie). The food was AWESOME.

Banana monsters! They turned out way cuter than I thought they would.

Mummy dogs! A grease bomb of deliciousness!

White chocolate strawberry skulls! I've wanted to make these for EIGHT years! 

YUM! It was a lot of work, but so worth it, especially the strawberry skulls. They looked so good and TASTED so good. I'm pretty sure Starlet ate a fourth to third of them by herself. She LOVES strawberries.

Our costumes were worn each at different times and different days, but we wore them!

First off, little Grace. I was aiming for an angel, a shoulder angel specifically, but she turned into a ballerina. Whatever she looked like, she was ADORABLE!

A little photo editing...

Now Cool Mamma: 

At first glance, I was just a viking. However, I'm my own rendition of the Awkward Avoidance Viking from BYU TV's Studio C. Oh! it just tickles my funny bone! Oh watch them all! My version:

Please note the sword on my left hip. So happy I got a club!

Epic stance, another fun photo filter.

And finally, the best: my mom and Starlet:

COOL! Doesn't my mom ROCK that duster?!

Perfect! Starlet being a cowgirl with one of her favorite people!

Starlet is done wearing her hat.

So cute!

That's not even the best one!! LOOK!

Yes, I've discovered my phone's photo editing. That's what made this beauty.

AHHHHH! That is Hallmark worthy! Oh my word! I died!! SO CUTE. I love my girls!

By the time Halloween came around, I was pooped. I didn't even buy candy until 5/6 PM Halloween night!! (I was stalling because I wanted to figure out exactly how much candy we wanted with Cool Apa. Candy is stinkin' expensive! It's just SUGAR!) When I got to Walmart, the Halloween candy had been replaced with Christmas candy. (Holy buckets.) I immediately thought, "Ah ha! I'll just do my 'Merry Christmas at Halloween' bit that I've done so many times," and bought some Christmas wrapped Rolos and Reces. (In years past, I've dressed up Christmas-y or played Christmas music and passed out candy while saying "Merry Christmas!" Partially due to my disgust at the scary/gore part of Halloween and partially due to how I was raised, I've used Christmas to rebel against Halloween. After all, who wants to celebrate the un-dead instead of Jesus Christ?) With my old rebellion flamed kindled, I ran home and decorated my doorstep:

Please note the wrapped pumpkins in the bottom right.

 Overall, a fun Halloween. Now I'm SO EXCITED for Thanksgiving and the Christmas season. That's the real fun of Halloween.

-Cool Mamma 
 

Blog News

To whomever may be reading, I have some exciting news! I am participating in Al Fox Carraway's book blog tour! "Wait, who's Al Fox Carraway? And what the heck is a book blog tour?" Al Fox Carraway is an LDS blogger and speaker originally from New York who now lives in Tucson, AZ.  Many of you have probably heard of her:

blog.cedarfort.com/

"Oh! The Tattooed Mormon! I know who you're talking about now." I didn't want to refer to her like that because that's the whole point: she's more than the Tattooed Mormon. It's like calling me the picked zit riddled Mormon; we are all children of God and that's what it's all about. More thoughts later, my point is to talk about the book tour. 

"You mentioned that - what is a book blog tour?" I had to google it before I signed up. It's the same thing as a book tour, but instead of visiting actual locations, Al is "visiting" blogs. I will be posting a review of  the book on November 24th and probably talking about it for many posts afterwards. I'm currently reading it and wow. That's all I can say is wow and thank you, Al Fox! So many thoughts reading it, but I'll save those until after I give her a good, honest review. 

-Cool Mamma 

Blessings (Part III)

OK! Enough of the pity party, let's get our head out of our butts and be happy! 

(Oh my goodness. Google search images for "pity party" and you'll find one theme: we don't care. Ah!) 

My scanner was being stupid
so I took a picture with my phone.
'Meh' quality wise.

Lately the Holy Ghost has been telling me that I need to focus on more positive things and He gave me instructions how: laugh, Come what may and love it, and, perhaps most effective: count my blessings. 

I did this while anxiously waiting for Cool Apa to graduate. That was so very painful, but counting my blessings held me together. It gave me a spirit of peace. God's scotch tape that holds our sanity together comes in funny forms. I also decided to look for God's hand in Cool Apa's interviewing and hiring process last summer. It gave me a deep testimony that Heavenly Father wants us here in Idaho.

Without further adieu, let the games begin!

Blessing #24 

The fall leaves. I was once quoted by my roommates saying something like, "I know God loves me because He made the pretty fall leaves. He could have just made them die and fall of the tree!" Instead they turn beautiful colors, fall off, then shrivel and die. Oh so pretty!

Out our front door.

My favorite is the leaves that turn from green to red. Mmm! The reds that they turn into are SO beautiful. So yummy.

Blessing #25 

This little chunk of happiness:

Grace in her Halloween costume. I was aiming for angel,
but without the wings (which I didn't think she'd appreciate)
she turned more into a ballerina. 

I could go on and on about this little one. Her enthusiasm and smile are infectious. There is a light and jovial air about her that makes it easy to laugh with her. Oh! She is so blasted cute. 

Blessing #26 

TV. I know I need to limit my daughters' exposure to TV, but some days it's just so helpful! It keeps Starlet occupied while I shower. It calms Grace down for nap time. For me, it lets me escape into someone else's story. It can be a evil time vampire, but today, I am grateful for it. 

TV

Blessing #27

Oddly enough, Facebook. I've been so against it for so long, but caved and joined last week. It is a time vampire and could take over my life if I let it, but I won't. It's been fun to connect with family and friends. 

Add caption

Facebook allowed me to have an awesome conversation with my brother in law and his close friend. I really enjoyed talking to them. I feel good about what we talked about and feel closer to my brother in law. 

Sigh. There. I feel better. Heavenly Father really does take care of me, even if life is hard. It's supposed to be hard. So I guess I'm doing something right. 

-Cool Mamma 

Testimony (Part II)

Today was fast and testimony meeting. I love bearing my testimony, but I didn't bear it  today. (I also wasn't fasting due to being so tired and feeling fevery lately.) I just didn't feel that fire of truth about anything in particular and I like bearing my testimony when I really feel something. I also didn't think I had anything positive to say that wasn't also faking it. I just didn't.

By the end of church, after the good messages and lessons, I felt something, and I figured out what I would bear my testimony on:

Faith.

Ooh! I love the concept of "leap of faith." Great picture! 

You just got to have faith.

Things are hard and I don't have a lot of answers. I don't feel those awesome feelings of conversion that I want to feel. I'm just surviving and don't have much to say. But I do have faith and I have to trust that faith will get me through.

I have faith that I will get answers to questions. 

I have faith in the enabling power of the Atonement.
I have faith that we'll figure out what I need medically and I will eventually be able to accept whatever lies in store.
I have faith that my confusing, conflicted, messy feelings will be resolved someday.
I have faith that bumpy relationships will smooth out.

I have faith that staying "on the old ship Zion" is the best thing to do. 

I have faith in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and know that I and everyone on earth will have a perfect body someday.

I've just got to have faith. THAT I can feel. It'll all be ok.

I say that and believe it in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

http://www.fccwa.org/uploads/2/5/2/6/25263998/805150_orig.jpg

Afflictions (Part I)

This post is part one of a three part series. Please read the other two posts after reading this one. 

WARNING: This is a depressing post, a laundry list of my problems. I just want to pout and then I'll get over it. 

"Warning! Warning!"

I just want to share, throw my worries into the cyberspace wind. I just want someone to hear, "Hope you know, I'm having a hard time." I promise I have a positive way out of this. I don't want to hear (from my inner critic) about how others have tougher trials; this is MY turn to spew and to talk. I also don't want to hear the "most puts don't sink, most steak is tough, just enjoy the ride"  quote. I'm convinced life can be full of happiness (perhaps just joy and peace is all one can expect) and it doesn't have to be as dreary as that quote makes it sound. I feel like I shouldn't complain about my trials because I really have a great life. But I just want to put my struggles out there, to know one in particular.

I have depression. I've had it consistently from 2012, and off and on before that since 2006. I'm fighting it with such zeal, still believing the delusion that perhaps it is just a mental cold that I can take a "depression Nyquil" and it'll go away. I'm on my 10th (ish) combination of antidepressants to see if they work, and am enjoying group counseling, hoping to find a good individual counselor soon. Through all this, I'm realizing that it'll probably be something I just have to fight the rest of my life. What does that entail? It means constantly fighting negative thoughts and beliefs, managing stress, respecting my boundaries, and taking antidepressants all so I can have the motivation and power to do those things that I need to and want to do. This is hard! Some days I have just enough motivation to keep myself and my girls fed and watch TV all day.

Connected with that: I am TIRED! All the time. Like seriously. Tired enough I could sleep 12 hours if my circumstances let me. For example, I slept about 7 hours (not solid cuz my sleep is full of holes) and then took a 5 hour nap (again not solid) and I am still zapped at the end of the day. Too tired to do dishes, laundry, housecleaning. Too tired to really play with my little girls. I get worn out just going to the store. I don't sleep well enough. I wake up several times a night because my baby made a noise, I'm too hot and therefore sweaty, I'm too cold and need to wrestle more covers from Cool Apa, or I just wake up because I turned over. My doc has me on iron and vitamin D to boost their levels up to where they should be and see if I gain more energy. We're also testing my thyroid levels to see if that's wacked. I'm convinced this lack of energy isn't normal for a 26 year old and I so badly want it to be fixable and not be my fault. I seem to get way tired around my period too.
Is all this exhaustion hormonal? Situational? Psychological? I don't know!!! I just pray it's not normal.

My children, husband and I all sleep in the same room. My preschooler feels super insecure sleeping in her toddler bed probably because mom and dad are a whole story away. We're also not good at a consistent, healthy bed time.

Cool Apa doesn't come home until at least 7. We don't have dinner some nights until 9. I don't get to be alone with him hardly at all. (Please read between the lines on that one.) We aren't dating consistently. He's tired and stressed most of the time. I miss him. I know it's normal but it sucks and I really don't like it.

My Starlet is three and I'm embarrassed to say that she's not potty trained, still very attached to her binkie, and as previously mentioned, sleeps upstairs with mom and dad. I feel like a wimp, like I'm not willing to fight and push through the hard parts. But I'm so tired! Just so tired! I don't know if I have the energy and stamina and patience to have worse sleep to help her stay in bed or force her to learn how to use the potty! I started a weaning phase for the binkie, hurray, which is still going to take work. I feel like all I do all day is tell Starlet no and threaten time outs, which are of questionable effectiveness. I want to be such a better mom.

My house is a mess. The table has crusted food on it. The dishes in the sink are dirty and will probably stink soon. The pantry smells like poop because that's where we're keeping the trash; Grace gets into it. Every where I look there's a pile of junk or a dirty toilet or a unfinished project saying, "Clean me up, you slacker!"

I'm constipated. Always. (TMI, I know.)

I'm figuring out my boundaries. I'm angry at those who taught me incorrect boundaries.

I need to forgive a LOT of people.

I worry about getting along with my awesome in laws.

I have a sister who I am struggling to communicate with because of how she's wired.

I have a cousin who I'm still mad at because of their choices.

I long for a good girlfriend, but that takes time, I'm afraid, and I have trust issues.

I find myself not being completely honest in my conversations with others just so I can avoid conflict and save face. I don't like that.

I want to paint.

I don't have good kneeling prayers. I pray in my head which feels less effective.

I am not good at studying the scriptures. I want to feast not snack.

I think I need to be better at a ton of things like money management and communicating better with Cool Apa.

There is a long to do list that never gets done with things like 'go to the dentist, file those papers'  etc on it.

I have a difficult time calming my mind down enough to listen to the Holy Ghost.

I'm struggling with feeling God's true love for me and not getting caught up in the should's and expectations. I think I have to be perfect because I've done "it right :" I got married in the temple, I've stayed active in the church all my life, and I am raising two beautiful daughters in the gospel. Therefore, God holds me to a higher standard so I better not mess up. Jesus Christ doesn't have time for me, He's working on "worse sinners." "I know Cool Mamma is being good and is very capable so I'm going to go help this person." Lies, I know.

Sigghhhhhhhhh. Did I miss anything? Probably. One can always find something else wrong with the world. 

That's pretty depressing (ha, makes sense - first paragraph.) To be fair, I warned you.

Keep reading. It'll get better.