Hello, interwebs! It's been a very long time.
A week ago, I stumbled upon a neat podcast, by Lynzi Clyde, called, "Why I Stay." I listened to an old FHE brother's interview and another, and just about burst wanting to tell the world why I stay in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For many months, I've felt as if I might pop if I keep my testimony, thoughts, and feelings about the gospel of Jesus Christ to myself. I've chewed on the idea of "just" Facebook posts or starting yet another blog (I believe I've only had three in my life...but it still feels like a lot), but then I thought, "I already have a corner of cyberspace to use, I should just go there." So here I am! Almost FOUR years later, dusting off my old blog, to share.
via GIPHY
As I'm sure most know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In the recent year, year and a half, I've watched a handful of friends and family leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My heart aches and I've pondered a great deal about this, which is why I nearly burst with my answers Lyndzi's questions.
"Why I Stay" podcast Self Interview:
First Lyndzi asks her guests some rapid-fire get-to-know-you questions. I love answering get-to-know-you questions, but don't want distract from my point; I'll do a warp-speed summary of my answers:
I'm a burger-loving, 32 years old mom of three who's been happily married for ten years. My absolute favorite hobby is oil painting which I regrettably don't do enough, and I do not think any of the post 2009 Star Trek productions are truly "Trek" and have lost Gene Roddenberry's vision. My biggest dream boils down to: influence people, especially youth, for good. I still have awesome hair like I did in high school, even though it's darkened and become speckled with white/gray. My favorite calling in the church is hands-down, no contest Primary music chorister.
OK! To the meat:
What is your most embarrassing moment from your church experience?
During my junior or senior year of high school, my leaders encouraged me to reach out and encourage a couple inactive young women to come to church and activities. I did this the best I knew how; I consistently told them about activities and let them know we missed them at church. I felt like they didn't want to hear what I had to say, but I persevered, doing what my leaders wanted, and what I thought was a good thing to do. Well, after months of this, one of the young women came to an activity! I was thrilled! However, before I could excitedly greet her as my enthusiastic self, one of my leaders intercepted me. After a couple more interceptions, I got the message: don't bug her, don't freak out, just leave her alone. I was embarrassed, hurt, and confused: Why did my leaders ask me to fellowship this young lady then tell me to leave her alone when she came? Turns out leader became privy to their frustration at my fellowshipping attempts and tried to protect them from me. The whole sticky situation was explained to me, but after understanding what happened, I resolved to not bother any inactive members again; I felt it wasn't worth the discomfort and potential trouble so I just let them be.
When has there been a time you have had to exercise courage in your discipleship?
I've had a handful of experiences while serving in the church when I've been hurt by other people; personalities clash; exclusion; micromanagement; difference of opinions on procedure execution; mockery for keeping standards differently; frustrated expectations; pressure to perform. There have been several times in my adult life where I did not want to go to church because of others, but I knew that's where Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ wanted me to be. It has taken courage on several occasions to just go and/or serve in the face of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
What is one experience that has increased your maturity in the gospel?
(I like that the experience that came to my mind ties so well with the previous questions.)
Towards the start of my sophomore year of college I met, really liked, became very invested in a possible relationship with, went out on two dates with, and was suddenly and (what I thought) irrationally dumped by a fellow classmate. I couldn't believe what happened and was hurt by his rejection! I think I channeled my hurt into angry humor: for the next few months, he became the butt of every joke I could sneak him into. I made fun of him at every opportunity. I was so angry at him, I felt justified in my anger, and I think I actually liked being angry.
During Christmas break, one of my favorite people gave a Relief Society lesson on how we all have "monkeys" on our backs such as bad habits, grudges, etc. and how some are pet sins. She even wore several stuffed monkeys on her sweater during the lesson! The Holy Ghost poked the truth of her words through my heart, and I turned to my mother, "I have a big monkey on my back named [that gentleman], don't I?" "Yup." Grumble.
I went back to school with the inkling that someday I should forgive this boy, but wasn't in any hurry to do so. In my mind, he was still a dingbat that did the dumbest thing ever. He was in one of my classes the next semester and I just seethed with resentment every time I saw him.
Early into the semester, Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave a powerful devotional address about Lot's wife, about moving forward and not longing to be in the past, a place we cannot go, and forgiving others. He delivered powerful, gut wrenching words about forgiveness, as only Elder Holland can. Here are some of his poignant words from his speech, emphasis added:
"There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life—either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes—our own or other people’s—is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist."
OUCH. Those words agitated my guilty conscience and cut deeply in my heart. I felt like Elder Holland prepared that talk for me, calling me to repentance. He continued:
"...When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal.
Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!"
I heard in my heart, that not forgiving someone for something they've done is like denying that they have access to the cleansing power of Jesus Christ. I walked away with a huge pit in my stomach, the pit of Godly sorrow pressing me to repent. I knew it was time, but felt stuck; I didn't even want to forgive that guy! I remembered the words in Alma about how you just need a desire to believe for a seed a faith to be planted in your hearts, and thought, "I don't even have a desire to forgive!! How?!" I first had to pray to Heavenly Father for a desire to forgive him! HA!
Months later, after much prayer, soul searching, and habit changing, I sat in my usual spot in the campus testing center to take a midterm. A while after I started my test, I noticed this classmate sit a few seats away from me. I thought, "Oh, huh, it's so-and-so to take the same test," and went back to work. Seconds later it hit me: there he was, the object of my hurt, anger, and resentment, and I felt nothing; my blood didn't boil, my heart didn't race, I didn't review the details of his "heinous crime", nothing. I wept where I sat realizing that Jesus Christ took the "sword from my hand" (Ben Hur 1959), and left forgiveness. I'd forgiven this boy! After gaining composure and finishing my test, I ran home to tell my roommates, "Jesus Christ lives! The Gospel is true! The power of Jesus Christ and His Atonement are REAL!" I felt my heart burst with the song of redeeming love and I just HAD to sing! The experience actually prompted my most serious consideration about serving a mission I'd ever done.
I think this experience increased my maturity in the Gospel because the Atonement of Jesus Christ suddenly became real. It kind of sounds ridiculous but, I know God lives and Jesus Christ's atoning power is real because God and His son helped me forgive a stupid boy. But it wasn't just that I was able to forgive him so completely and honesty. It is what Jesus Christ did for me, what He did to my heart. Saying that it's healed and now there is a scar in there isn't accurate. My heart changed. Jesus didn't just stitch up my wound, He took out the bruised anger, He cleaned the wound, He helped it heal, and He made it better than it was before.
I want to make a note that most of the hurt that comes from others stem from struggles, weaknesses, insecurities, and fears that they struggle with. Almost as sure as the sun shines, people will hurt people; I have hurt, have been hurt, will be hurt, and will hurt others. Forgiveness can and will come when we turn to God and Jesus Christ. Has my journey to forgive others been so instant and complete since then? No. I understand that forgiveness can take time and has to continue to happen as we grow, progress, work through trauma and pain, and overcome our weaknesses. But I know that Jesus Christ is always there; He can and will take away our hurt and help us forgive. All will be made right, maybe not in this mortal life, but I know someday, all will be made right.
Why do you stay in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?
I'm surprised at the direction this post took because my answer is different than I originally planned. Upon hearing this question, my immediate answer was, "My covenants." My covenants have been such an anchor to me in the past few years. Some temptations of this world look like they could provide some fun, relief, or escape from life's difficulties, and I think, "What could the harm be in trying/doing/partaking of xyz?" However, I have made covenants to God in front of God, angels, and witnesses to obey, and not only would I be dishonest by turning against those covenants, I would have to answer to God for doing so. My covenants keep me in line.
But my answer to "why I stay" is deeper than that; I stay in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is my anchor. I know He is real. I cannot deny His healing, enabling, comforting, loving power I feel in my life. I cannot deny the fire of faith that I have in His resurrection and promise that I will be resurrected too someday. I cannot deny the strong love for and absolute faith in Jesus Christ that shines in my children's eyes. Denying these things would make me a liar, something I cannot bear to be.
I know He lives. Like 2+2=4 I know.
And that's why I stay.
