Ramblings

I want to write, but what should I write about?

I could write about how I've been 'down a pawn' in the game of chess between me and depression;



I've thought this before and have since changed the dose on some of my medication (I really dislike the prescription guessing game) and Cool Apa thinks it's having a positive effect. I think that lost pawn is due to all the stress of the move, but mostly due to me overexerting myself. I have worn myself out so badly so many times in the past so many days.Weddings, football games, even shopping trips have driven me to my bed. We all need travel life at our own pace and I realized something the other day: I'm pregnant! It really does take a lot out of you! Up till now, I've had this attitude of, "Show no weakness. Be strong. Don't be a whiner, even though you're pregnant!!" (Actually that's been my attitude for a long time about almost anything. All you need to do is substitute some kind of struggle, big or small, for the word "pregnant.") But I've gotten better at two things this pregnancy:

1. Giving myself a break. I am doing the best I can and that is just the way it should be. Compared to others (which I shouldn't do anyway) I travel at a snail's pace. But the other "snails" out there all have a different set of circumstances, are in a different stage of life, and have been dealt a different deck of cards for their mortal journey. I'm trying to do my best and trying to understand what my best is. All I know is that Heavenly Father wants me to be a mother and focus on building my kingdom known as Home, and I'm doing just that!

2. Recognizing and expressing my needs. Last pregnancy, I was awful at this. During this pregnancy in exploring how I want my experience when Sequelette is born to be different than how Starlet was born, I have expressed several feelings, needs, or wants that I had and in reply, Cool Apa said, "I didn't know that." I'm surprised at how much I repress, including expressing my needs. We all have needs, and all need them met. Babies are awesome at telling us what they need.Somewhere between learning how to be an adult and full-fledged adult hood, many of us stop asking for what we need. I'm getting better at expressing my needs and it's amazing the difference it makes. I'm the only one who can read my mind and know my needs. Unless they have heavenly Help, no one else can do that. I'm glad I've done it more this pregnancy than last.

Speaking of last pregnancy, I could talk about how cute Starlet was at the BYU vs. BSU game!

My parents took her into the game while I waited for Cool Apa to arrive after work.My dad noticed Starlet was cold so he put his hoodie on her. He set up his staduium stea which Starlet promptly commondered. This is how I found her whne Cool Apa and I got into the stadiuim! So cute!

It was cold , I carried heavy blankets or Starlet around way too much and wore myself out before the game even started. I tried to calm myself (and STarlet) down enough to enjoy the game. Sadly, my BYU cougars didn't make it easy: we were super behind and had practically lost the game by half time. Some time during the 3rd quarter, Cool Apa decided that I needed to get home so he got the car to attempt to leave the game early. We left the game early, but got stuck on the freeway home in game traffic. It was way nicer being in a warm car where little Starlet could watch a movie instead of being in the loud statdium watching BYU's defense make foools of themselves. I went to bed that night incredibly sore and exhausted. Yay for pregnancy pains!

I can't think of  a clever way to wrap up this post or  include my other post ideas into it, so I'm just gonna say, God Speed!

Cool Mamma