Book Review: More Than The tattooed Mormon by Al Carraway

This post is my review, which in my understanding, is usually small. Please don't take that as a reflection of Al's work; after reading her book, I have too many thoughts and feelings to share in a book review. Please stay tuned for my reactions to her book. 

Wow where to begin. In a word, Al's book is sincere. Honest. Raw. She doesn't hide her true feelings which makes it that much more powerful. I was surprised to find that the book feels like a conversation, not as 'scholarly' as I expected which makes it very approachable and personal. Even though it is small, it is a gold mine densely packed with words of wisdom, hope, optimism, light, encouragement, and love. The first part of the book tells Al's awesome conversion story and the second encourages the reader to really make the most of their relationship with God and their life. Her love for the gospel and for Jesus Christ is infectious. Her light shines through the words into your heart. This book is a now a must in my depression survival kit. This is a 'must read' for everyone. Buy a hard copy, mark it up, but most importantly, feel the love God has for you through her voice and love. 

Read it. Just do it. It will bless your life. It has mine.

-Cool Mamma

Late Halloween Post

Before Thanksgiving comes, I want to share our Halloween fun!

My parents aren't big Halloween fans so I grew up thinking Halloween was dumb. It wasn't until I went to college and got to experience how FUN Halloween is that I began to like the holiday and even get excited for it. The funny thing is, usually I get all my celebration out of my system before Halloween, usually by going to parties and what not, and this year was no exception.

My mom came up for a week and I thought our ward Halloween party was the Wednesday during her stay. I made sure to tell her so she could participate and prepare if she wanted. Starlet wanted to be a cowboy - my mom's bread and butter. Mom was a rodeo queen and did anything horse related all her life, so she packed her old cowboy things. Sadly, it turned out that the party was the Saturday before her stay: I misread the updated information regarding the time. I was so disappointed! I had been looking forward to it ALL YEAR! I even bought costumes for it on the day it was happening! Oh! I was so sad! When I broke the news to my mother she said, "Oh we should just have our own party."

And we did!

We were planning on dressing up, but Cool Apa came home really late that night, so it was just fun Halloween food. I shouldn't say "just" because it lessens the food (a principle I learned from Finding Neverland a really delightful movie). The food was AWESOME.

Banana monsters! They turned out way cuter than I thought they would.

Mummy dogs! A grease bomb of deliciousness!

White chocolate strawberry skulls! I've wanted to make these for EIGHT years! 

YUM! It was a lot of work, but so worth it, especially the strawberry skulls. They looked so good and TASTED so good. I'm pretty sure Starlet ate a fourth to third of them by herself. She LOVES strawberries.

Our costumes were worn each at different times and different days, but we wore them!

First off, little Grace. I was aiming for an angel, a shoulder angel specifically, but she turned into a ballerina. Whatever she looked like, she was ADORABLE!

A little photo editing...

Now Cool Mamma: 

At first glance, I was just a viking. However, I'm my own rendition of the Awkward Avoidance Viking from BYU TV's Studio C. Oh! it just tickles my funny bone! Oh watch them all! My version:

Please note the sword on my left hip. So happy I got a club!

Epic stance, another fun photo filter.

And finally, the best: my mom and Starlet:

COOL! Doesn't my mom ROCK that duster?!

Perfect! Starlet being a cowgirl with one of her favorite people!

Starlet is done wearing her hat.

So cute!

That's not even the best one!! LOOK!

Yes, I've discovered my phone's photo editing. That's what made this beauty.

AHHHHH! That is Hallmark worthy! Oh my word! I died!! SO CUTE. I love my girls!

By the time Halloween came around, I was pooped. I didn't even buy candy until 5/6 PM Halloween night!! (I was stalling because I wanted to figure out exactly how much candy we wanted with Cool Apa. Candy is stinkin' expensive! It's just SUGAR!) When I got to Walmart, the Halloween candy had been replaced with Christmas candy. (Holy buckets.) I immediately thought, "Ah ha! I'll just do my 'Merry Christmas at Halloween' bit that I've done so many times," and bought some Christmas wrapped Rolos and Reces. (In years past, I've dressed up Christmas-y or played Christmas music and passed out candy while saying "Merry Christmas!" Partially due to my disgust at the scary/gore part of Halloween and partially due to how I was raised, I've used Christmas to rebel against Halloween. After all, who wants to celebrate the un-dead instead of Jesus Christ?) With my old rebellion flamed kindled, I ran home and decorated my doorstep:

Please note the wrapped pumpkins in the bottom right.

 Overall, a fun Halloween. Now I'm SO EXCITED for Thanksgiving and the Christmas season. That's the real fun of Halloween.

-Cool Mamma 
 

Blog News

To whomever may be reading, I have some exciting news! I am participating in Al Fox Carraway's book blog tour! "Wait, who's Al Fox Carraway? And what the heck is a book blog tour?" Al Fox Carraway is an LDS blogger and speaker originally from New York who now lives in Tucson, AZ.  Many of you have probably heard of her:

blog.cedarfort.com/

"Oh! The Tattooed Mormon! I know who you're talking about now." I didn't want to refer to her like that because that's the whole point: she's more than the Tattooed Mormon. It's like calling me the picked zit riddled Mormon; we are all children of God and that's what it's all about. More thoughts later, my point is to talk about the book tour. 

"You mentioned that - what is a book blog tour?" I had to google it before I signed up. It's the same thing as a book tour, but instead of visiting actual locations, Al is "visiting" blogs. I will be posting a review of  the book on November 24th and probably talking about it for many posts afterwards. I'm currently reading it and wow. That's all I can say is wow and thank you, Al Fox! So many thoughts reading it, but I'll save those until after I give her a good, honest review. 

-Cool Mamma 

Blessings (Part III)

OK! Enough of the pity party, let's get our head out of our butts and be happy! 

(Oh my goodness. Google search images for "pity party" and you'll find one theme: we don't care. Ah!) 

My scanner was being stupid
so I took a picture with my phone.
'Meh' quality wise.

Lately the Holy Ghost has been telling me that I need to focus on more positive things and He gave me instructions how: laugh, Come what may and love it, and, perhaps most effective: count my blessings. 

I did this while anxiously waiting for Cool Apa to graduate. That was so very painful, but counting my blessings held me together. It gave me a spirit of peace. God's scotch tape that holds our sanity together comes in funny forms. I also decided to look for God's hand in Cool Apa's interviewing and hiring process last summer. It gave me a deep testimony that Heavenly Father wants us here in Idaho.

Without further adieu, let the games begin!

Blessing #24 

The fall leaves. I was once quoted by my roommates saying something like, "I know God loves me because He made the pretty fall leaves. He could have just made them die and fall of the tree!" Instead they turn beautiful colors, fall off, then shrivel and die. Oh so pretty!

Out our front door.

My favorite is the leaves that turn from green to red. Mmm! The reds that they turn into are SO beautiful. So yummy.

Blessing #25 

This little chunk of happiness:

Grace in her Halloween costume. I was aiming for angel,
but without the wings (which I didn't think she'd appreciate)
she turned more into a ballerina. 

I could go on and on about this little one. Her enthusiasm and smile are infectious. There is a light and jovial air about her that makes it easy to laugh with her. Oh! She is so blasted cute. 

Blessing #26 

TV. I know I need to limit my daughters' exposure to TV, but some days it's just so helpful! It keeps Starlet occupied while I shower. It calms Grace down for nap time. For me, it lets me escape into someone else's story. It can be a evil time vampire, but today, I am grateful for it. 

TV

Blessing #27

Oddly enough, Facebook. I've been so against it for so long, but caved and joined last week. It is a time vampire and could take over my life if I let it, but I won't. It's been fun to connect with family and friends. 

Add caption

Facebook allowed me to have an awesome conversation with my brother in law and his close friend. I really enjoyed talking to them. I feel good about what we talked about and feel closer to my brother in law. 

Sigh. There. I feel better. Heavenly Father really does take care of me, even if life is hard. It's supposed to be hard. So I guess I'm doing something right. 

-Cool Mamma 

Testimony (Part II)

Today was fast and testimony meeting. I love bearing my testimony, but I didn't bear it  today. (I also wasn't fasting due to being so tired and feeling fevery lately.) I just didn't feel that fire of truth about anything in particular and I like bearing my testimony when I really feel something. I also didn't think I had anything positive to say that wasn't also faking it. I just didn't.

By the end of church, after the good messages and lessons, I felt something, and I figured out what I would bear my testimony on:

Faith.

Ooh! I love the concept of "leap of faith." Great picture! 

You just got to have faith.

Things are hard and I don't have a lot of answers. I don't feel those awesome feelings of conversion that I want to feel. I'm just surviving and don't have much to say. But I do have faith and I have to trust that faith will get me through.

I have faith that I will get answers to questions. 

I have faith in the enabling power of the Atonement.
I have faith that we'll figure out what I need medically and I will eventually be able to accept whatever lies in store.
I have faith that my confusing, conflicted, messy feelings will be resolved someday.
I have faith that bumpy relationships will smooth out.

I have faith that staying "on the old ship Zion" is the best thing to do. 

I have faith in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and know that I and everyone on earth will have a perfect body someday.

I've just got to have faith. THAT I can feel. It'll all be ok.

I say that and believe it in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

http://www.fccwa.org/uploads/2/5/2/6/25263998/805150_orig.jpg

Afflictions (Part I)

This post is part one of a three part series. Please read the other two posts after reading this one. 

WARNING: This is a depressing post, a laundry list of my problems. I just want to pout and then I'll get over it. 

"Warning! Warning!"

I just want to share, throw my worries into the cyberspace wind. I just want someone to hear, "Hope you know, I'm having a hard time." I promise I have a positive way out of this. I don't want to hear (from my inner critic) about how others have tougher trials; this is MY turn to spew and to talk. I also don't want to hear the "most puts don't sink, most steak is tough, just enjoy the ride"  quote. I'm convinced life can be full of happiness (perhaps just joy and peace is all one can expect) and it doesn't have to be as dreary as that quote makes it sound. I feel like I shouldn't complain about my trials because I really have a great life. But I just want to put my struggles out there, to know one in particular.

I have depression. I've had it consistently from 2012, and off and on before that since 2006. I'm fighting it with such zeal, still believing the delusion that perhaps it is just a mental cold that I can take a "depression Nyquil" and it'll go away. I'm on my 10th (ish) combination of antidepressants to see if they work, and am enjoying group counseling, hoping to find a good individual counselor soon. Through all this, I'm realizing that it'll probably be something I just have to fight the rest of my life. What does that entail? It means constantly fighting negative thoughts and beliefs, managing stress, respecting my boundaries, and taking antidepressants all so I can have the motivation and power to do those things that I need to and want to do. This is hard! Some days I have just enough motivation to keep myself and my girls fed and watch TV all day.

Connected with that: I am TIRED! All the time. Like seriously. Tired enough I could sleep 12 hours if my circumstances let me. For example, I slept about 7 hours (not solid cuz my sleep is full of holes) and then took a 5 hour nap (again not solid) and I am still zapped at the end of the day. Too tired to do dishes, laundry, housecleaning. Too tired to really play with my little girls. I get worn out just going to the store. I don't sleep well enough. I wake up several times a night because my baby made a noise, I'm too hot and therefore sweaty, I'm too cold and need to wrestle more covers from Cool Apa, or I just wake up because I turned over. My doc has me on iron and vitamin D to boost their levels up to where they should be and see if I gain more energy. We're also testing my thyroid levels to see if that's wacked. I'm convinced this lack of energy isn't normal for a 26 year old and I so badly want it to be fixable and not be my fault. I seem to get way tired around my period too.
Is all this exhaustion hormonal? Situational? Psychological? I don't know!!! I just pray it's not normal.

My children, husband and I all sleep in the same room. My preschooler feels super insecure sleeping in her toddler bed probably because mom and dad are a whole story away. We're also not good at a consistent, healthy bed time.

Cool Apa doesn't come home until at least 7. We don't have dinner some nights until 9. I don't get to be alone with him hardly at all. (Please read between the lines on that one.) We aren't dating consistently. He's tired and stressed most of the time. I miss him. I know it's normal but it sucks and I really don't like it.

My Starlet is three and I'm embarrassed to say that she's not potty trained, still very attached to her binkie, and as previously mentioned, sleeps upstairs with mom and dad. I feel like a wimp, like I'm not willing to fight and push through the hard parts. But I'm so tired! Just so tired! I don't know if I have the energy and stamina and patience to have worse sleep to help her stay in bed or force her to learn how to use the potty! I started a weaning phase for the binkie, hurray, which is still going to take work. I feel like all I do all day is tell Starlet no and threaten time outs, which are of questionable effectiveness. I want to be such a better mom.

My house is a mess. The table has crusted food on it. The dishes in the sink are dirty and will probably stink soon. The pantry smells like poop because that's where we're keeping the trash; Grace gets into it. Every where I look there's a pile of junk or a dirty toilet or a unfinished project saying, "Clean me up, you slacker!"

I'm constipated. Always. (TMI, I know.)

I'm figuring out my boundaries. I'm angry at those who taught me incorrect boundaries.

I need to forgive a LOT of people.

I worry about getting along with my awesome in laws.

I have a sister who I am struggling to communicate with because of how she's wired.

I have a cousin who I'm still mad at because of their choices.

I long for a good girlfriend, but that takes time, I'm afraid, and I have trust issues.

I find myself not being completely honest in my conversations with others just so I can avoid conflict and save face. I don't like that.

I want to paint.

I don't have good kneeling prayers. I pray in my head which feels less effective.

I am not good at studying the scriptures. I want to feast not snack.

I think I need to be better at a ton of things like money management and communicating better with Cool Apa.

There is a long to do list that never gets done with things like 'go to the dentist, file those papers'  etc on it.

I have a difficult time calming my mind down enough to listen to the Holy Ghost.

I'm struggling with feeling God's true love for me and not getting caught up in the should's and expectations. I think I have to be perfect because I've done "it right :" I got married in the temple, I've stayed active in the church all my life, and I am raising two beautiful daughters in the gospel. Therefore, God holds me to a higher standard so I better not mess up. Jesus Christ doesn't have time for me, He's working on "worse sinners." "I know Cool Mamma is being good and is very capable so I'm going to go help this person." Lies, I know.

Sigghhhhhhhhh. Did I miss anything? Probably. One can always find something else wrong with the world. 

That's pretty depressing (ha, makes sense - first paragraph.) To be fair, I warned you.

Keep reading. It'll get better.

Grace: One of My Favorite Ages

This post is nearly outdated. It's been a work in progress for a couple weeks. 

I'm only a three year old mother so I don't have many ages to choose from, but I do know that I LOVE 9 months. I remember really liking 9 months with Starlet and I am IN LOVE with my almost-nine-month-old Grace. After reading a favorite blogger talk about her 3rd, I wanted to write and figured, "Why not break the 'not writing' ice with a post about my baby?"

It has been a fast nine months. When Starlet was 9 months, it felt like she was SO BIG. I really LIVED in every moment of every day of Starlet's first year of life. Due to depression and transition to mommy-hood, it was a very slow year. But Grace, at almost-nine-months, is still a baby, my baby. I'm not in such a hurry for her to grow up. I feel like I pushed Starlet to grow up in someways. (I still push her because she's the big sister, but that's a whole other blog post.)

Let me paint a picture of my baby. I'm gonna pick nine words/phrases to describe my little one.

Smiley!

Grace is all smiles and always has been. Not only is her smile beautiful, she has a dimple in her right cheek that shows up when she smiles real big: a DIMPLE! So cute. Grace smiles at every one whether they be friends at church, grandma on Skype, or strangers!

Social.

Grace has always been alert and aware and loves interacting with people. She was two months old when we blessed her and she smiled at all of the visiting family. She likes to be where the party is and gets sad when she's alone. I really think she'll be an amiable people-person like her mom.

Verbally expressive.
When Grace was born, she had to learn how to cry, but once she learned, HOLY BUCKETS. Boy has she got a good set of lungs. Ever since she learned how to cry (loudly cry) she has been very verbal. She made many different sounds when she started cooing with various inflections. Now she babbles and makes silly noises. When she's ecstatic or completely tickled with something,  she makes this hilarious gurgle/cough/cackle noise as if she has to hack her laugh out of her body! When she's at the end of her rope or wants another bite of food, the whole world knows it! Lately when she's distressed she'll call, "Mama! Mama!"

Sense of humor.
Grace has this funny sense of humor! I think she'll be a clever, witty joker who can say the right thing in a snap! Weird or unexpected things make her laugh which is so funny! Her belly laugh is the best.

Adoring sister.
The one person who can make Grace laugh the easiest and hardest is Starlet. Grace absolutely adores Starlet. Ever since Grace was LITTLE, her attention has been glued on Starlet. She used to just follow Starlet with her gaze, but now she crawls after her to be with Starlet. At breakfast, when Starlet is done and runs from the table into the front room to play, Grace from her food, watches her, turns away, and nearly forgets that she's still eating! I think Grace will want to be just like her older sister.

Carnivore. 
Speaking of eating, holy cow! This is little girl is a BIG eater. Compared to other babies her age, she's probably a light eater, but compared to Starlet HOLY BUCKETS! She gets so excited when she sees a full bottle of milk and gets super cranky when her tummy is empty.She puts everything and anything in her mouth. I feel like Starlet didn't do that as much.

Determined.
Grace never quits. Thanks to her new object permanence, if she was trying to get something I don't want her to have, I move her away, put her down, and then she returns to the object as soon as possible. Grace tries, and succeeds, to snatch Starlet's binkie right out of Starlet's mouth! Sometimes Grace has to follow her all over the TV room, but WILL eventually get that binkie! (The stinker.) I love how she extends her reach to get food off the table or a toy off the couch. She is so stinking determined! 

Strong.
A companion to determination is strength. When God dished out strength to everyone, Grace got a good, healthy spoonful. She has ALWAYS been strong. Her kicks inside me were tough and fierce. When she was born she had a difficult time figuring out the rhythm of breathing while she ate because she sucked down her milk so hard! She rolled over at 2 weeks old (yes, I said 2 WEEKS) and a couple months ago would pull herself up as I lifted her off the ground by her little arms!

Mover. 
All her strength and awesome coordination allows her to do anything she wants and to go anywhere she wants! She has NEVER stopped moving. She was very active in my tummy and can always be found moving some part of her body be it a toe, wrist, ankle or finger. I was talking to fellow mothers about how 9 months is a FUN age and one of them said, "Yeah, they are so interactive and not very mobile..." I had to promptly interject because Grace is exceedingly mobile. She's FAST too! Grace just keeps going and going and going; she's my Energizer bunny! She stands up by herself and has actually taken a step.

 

I love my little baby girl! Oh! So much! As I mother my little girl, my heart swells so swiftly and completely with joy that it nearly explodes. I love you, baby Grace!



-Cool Mamma

My Writing Sounds Cool

Last night I was digging through blog posts to find pictures of Cool Apa and I and I rediscovered how much I love my writing. I love to write, but after I read it once it's had time to age, I am impressed with myself! My writing sounds good! It makes me want to write more!
(My intent was not to brag or bait anyone for a compliment: just expressing my thoughts.)

I compose blog posts in my head all the time,  (I've said that before...) but don't make writing a priority which is a shame. Like I said, I love writing because it relaxes me, puts my thoughts in concrete form, and helps me see the positive.

I want to write more! Write regularly like I did early last year. Sadly, typing on my phone is a chore so I'm going to bid you adieu as I tell you to expect a whole slew of posts!

-Cool Mamma

P.S. The picture is a tribute to sick days! We've been sick for a few days and while Grace sleeps, Starlet is going to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and let me sleep!

Numbers

I'm slow and behind on my blog. I don't want to be; in fact, I constantly compose posts in my head planning on them coming out and landing on the Internet. Alas, between fighting fatigue, depression, the housework war, the lack of time for myself and for my husband and I, AND taking care of my babies, I just haven't made time to write. 

Lemme catch you up. Since we need to cover about 7 months in one blog post, we need a theme or set of rules so I don't ramble or run out of steam. Oooh! Numbers! I love math. (I felt like such an outcast expressing that the other day at a Relief Society activity, but it is so true.) You'll catch onto and figure out my plan very quickly.

Vaterlaus family update:

• Grace is 7 months old 
• Starlet will turn 3 in 2 months 
• Cool Apa and I celebrate our 4 year anniversary this week 
• Cool Apa has 3 now 2 church callings 
• I teach 5 deacons and 1 beehive in Sunday school 
• Grace has tried about 15 different foods 
• Starlet has gone 0 weeks without asking to go to Grandma's house 
• We hosted Grandpa Gnarly, Grandma Gracious and Cool Apa's two brothers for 8 days 
• My brother got home from a 2 year mission to Tahiti 14 days ago 
• I went to the temple for the first time in 18 months making the number of temples I've seen or been in around 18
• Grace can get up on all 4 limbs
• Cool Apa has been working at his job for 1 year 
• We have paid off nearly 50% of our debt
• Cool Apa turned 27! 

Cool! Good summary! Now for some pictures! 

All the Vaterlaus girls in their jammies! Starlet is so good at being disgusted at papparazi. 

Nothing is safe from Grace anymore. She is FAST.

I can't believe she fell asleep like this! 

Both my girls chomping on apples. 

I was taking pictures of Grace and Starlet wanted a turn. I love those smiley, twinkley eyes! 

"Sisters, sisters!" 

Excuses and Updates

(This post drafted in May 2015)

I haven't blogged for what feels like a long time and for many reasons.

1. I've been seeking to be a popular Mormon mommy blogger with many followers like Al (Fox) Carraway or Stephanie Nielson, but I'm not. (Yet, ;] jk) I want to influence and motivate people but is seeking for a big audience and to be popular the best motive?

2. Emotional and fearful writer's block. I want to write about what's going on in my life and my heart, but I don't want it to be spread all over the web necessarily, I don't know what I can and can't share with certain things, and don't want to come off as complainy or preachy.

3. The black dog, PPD came back, right around when Grace was 2 months old. I was feeling SO GOOD and then the dog came back.

4. Time and children are inversely proportional. That means the more children you have, the less time you have and visa versa. Turns out a 2 year old and a 4 month old keep you pretty busy! And wear you out!

So. Those are my excuses. I realized though that I named the blog "Chronicles of Vatervaar." That doesn't necessarily mean "musings from Cool Mamma" or "life shattering posts from Cool Mamma" or "emotional purgings from Cool Mamma:" it's just chronicles. 

So, let me chroniclize.

Cool Apa

Is wonderful, smart, handsome, clever, funny....oh wait, how is he doing? Good, but. My favorite response to the question, "How was work?" is, "It was work." I'm an impatient person and think that he should be running the company by now, but in reality he's very new at his job and to the "grown up" work force and has only worked  there since August aka not a whole year. His commute to and from work is long, and he works so hard day in and day out, that if he's sitting down in a comfortable spot, he's out within 10 minutes, probably 5. Cool Apa has two callings: nursery leader and Weblos leader.

To be continued......

Twitter

I'm officially on Twitter!

After years of thinking it's dumb, I joined; you can thank Jimmy Fallon for that. I feel a real push to share sunshine and share the gospel on Twitter, don't know why.

You can follow me @coolmammav

Team Vaterlaus Member 4

We are now officially a fantastic foursome! Let me introduce our newest member:

Grace, as she will be known on this blog for privacy reasons, was born January 7th, 2015 at 8:26 AM. She weighed 6 lbs 12 oz and measured 18.5 inches long. She spent 6 hours in the NICU for observation regarding her blood oxygenation levels, but was not officially admitted, thank goodness. In fact, she was the biggest, reddest, plumpest baby there! I'm convinced the other NICU babies would say, "Hey, you! You don't belong here! You're not sick enough." Grace got to go home with us the next day! Very lucky!

Our little eight day old sleeps for about three hours,wakes up and squeaks, has about 2 oz of formula, squirms and wiggles until she's ready for swaddling, and then goes back to sleep. I don't remember Starlet being as predictable and clockwork-like. (Granted, the first week with Starlet was MUCH different! More tears, complete shattering of my psyche, and a very stressful decision between breastfeeding and bottle feeding. *Shudder*)

Grace has short little legs which she likes to tuck into her chest. She is very smiley and when she smiles big enough, she shows a dimple on her right check! I don't think she's figured out how to cry yet; when she is upset she does this whimpery squeak that eventually leads to a short burst of, "laaaahh!" Her cry has been getting better and better! Grace is an excellent sucker, in fact, she had troubles breathing while she ate her first few hours because she enjoyed sucking so much. I think she wiggles more than Starlet did, a constant mover, which is why I think she enjoys being swaddled so tightly.

We are all adjusting still, especially Starlet I think, but we just adore our little Grace!

-Cool Mamma