We all have storms and I'm watching an episode of "Turning Point" on byutv.org talking about homeless youth and their storms. Suddenly, my storms don't seem that bad, but instead of saying to myself,"Oh shut up and stop complaining! At least you have a home," and suppressing in my emotions and my story, I'm going to write.
The past few weeks have been hard. The last weeks in February seemed to drag due to some hard hard hard hard trials. The queen trial: adjusting to new medications. Sadly, antidepressants don't work like Tylenol. After doctor appointments, new perscriptions, and a trip to the ER, I hit a breaking point. I was just DONE. So I called my mom and asked her to come down and be with little Starlet and I for a week.
Then Mom left.
Today I hit another head in the storm. You know the days: everything that's going wrong piles up and makes you cry. I even left church an hour early because I couldn't take it anymore, and that's saying something! I'm a devout Mormon and my leaders have asked me to go to all my meetings! And Mormons go to THREE meetings on Sunday! I feel awful if I miss any. But today, I just couldn't handle being with people anymore and little Starlet was super cranky. So my little family came home, I cried to Cool Apa, we put Starlet to bed for a much needed nap, and I took a nap myself.
But there was an eye in my storm.
At church, little Starlet found an abandoned baby doll. (I hope it was abandoned. We might have to take it back next week.) She fell in love with this little doll and brought it home. As I was crying to Cool Apa and even afterwards, my little Starlet was being such a good little mother to this baby doll. After her nap and dinner, she continued to be a good little mamma!
Starlet got one of her diapers for the doll and tried to put it on her.
Starlet kissed the doll's face.
Starlet hugged the doll.
Starlet got out her diaper changing pad, asked for baby wipes, placed the doll on the pad, and wiped her face.
Starlet wiped the doll's nose.
Starlet held the doll close.
Starlet LOVED that little doll!
It was wonderful. As I thought about what Starlet was doing, I asked myself, "Where the heck did she learn all this? She's not even 2 yet and she's nurturing this doll." My dear, wonderful husband, Cool Apa, pointed out, "She takes after her mother." I let that sink in as I watched her. All of Starlet's attention and efforts were on the little doll. She loved that little thing and showered it with kisses. Even though the diaper overwhelmed the little baby, Starlet made sure she had a clean diaper. She was such a good little mamma to that doll!
I realized: I'm a good mamma to my baby doll! If little Starlet knows how to show love to a simple baby doll, how to take care of it, and give it all her attention and love, then that means that I show Starlet love, care for her, and give her all my attention, time, energy, and love!
It means that I'm a good mamma!
I have never been able to really see what kind of mother I am until today. It was like looking in a mirror and I couldn't believe what I saw. It was such a sweet, tender mercy from Heavenly Father showing me how proud He is of me, how good I'm doing, and how much love I have for this little life I brought into the world.
It was such a tender, wonderful, peaceful Eye of the Storm, one that I will treasure always.
Thank you, my little Starlet!
-Cool Mamma
You are an awesome mommy! Sorry for all you are going through.
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