Knots

I like writing on my blog and I like gathering an audience, but I'm really particular about what I put on the blog. I feel like it just has to be good or else. This means I usually ponder on posts for a while. I've been pondering on this one for a couple days.

Lately I've imagined my depression something akin to this:

A tangled mess. Have you ever tried to untangle some yarn or string? That's the kind of mess I'm talking about. It can be done, but it takes a long time.

About a week ago, I had my usual therapy appointment. I didn't feel like we made any progress, felt like my therapist wasn't listening, and assumed, by the way that they talked, they thought my condition was worse than I thought. Overall I left confused, frustrated, and more lost than when I went in.

A few days ago, I had a follow-up appointment for my medication adjustments. Before I walked in, I was prepared to say, "Gimme some more, doc! I can't take this grey, cloudy, depressing mess in my head anymore!" but I left saying, "Let's wait a little longer on this new dose. Maybe it will get better." I also left mad that I paid $120 for the 30 minute conversation we had.

As I walked into the parking lot, I just wanted to rip that tangled mess out of my head and say,

"THAT'S IT!" 

I've just had it.
I'm so sick of trying to find the right balance of medications.
I'm sick of trying to discover, uncover, and untangle unresolved issues of my past.
I'm sick of trying to figure out whether the depression is chemical, stress-related, caused by a traumatic event, or just a pile of bad mental habits! (The funny thing is, my depression is probably related to all four of them.)

I decided I was just going to get up and keep moving forward with my life. I was tired of sitting in one spot and untangling knots.

I thought, "I'll just try to fight it harder with exercise, sleep, and creativity!

I'm going to paint, write, color, draw, doodle, cartoon, sing, compose, yoga, and FIGHT my way out of this mess!! I'll untie all these knots later."

I want all the knots gone now! As I thought about untying all the knots, I realized a few things:

1. The goal isn't to get rid of all the knots and just have an easy time like a perfectly clean string. A perfectly clean string isn't possible in this life. (I'm comparing being 'whole' and 'problem free' to a plain old string.)

2. EVERYONE has knots that they're working on! 

We all have some kind of knot in our life: weaknesses, tendencies, sins, embarrassing moments, and regrets. Some of my knots are just weaknesses or bad habits or experiences that I need to let go. EVERYONE has knots in their strings.

I don't want to loose my readers' attention, so I'm going to stop there. This post:



-Cool Mamma